No rain...clear skies...no rain...clear skies...day after day, after dry, earth shriveling, water draining day. Normally it rains quite a bit here in Calkington. We are fairly close to the ocean. We also get fog on a fairly regular basis. Not this summer.
The farmers are all frantic with worry. Blake has hauled water to many farms trying to help them keep their crops alive. He wore himself out working his own ranch, starting a new line of fine wines, logging, and breeding horses. Then he would get up earlier than usual and haul water to any farms around that needed water.
Blake and I had our date night last night. He told me that he was about to be out of water as well. It has been dry for so long that even the wells are drying up. I have never seen Blake look so desperate, so worried, even after he was attacked by the big cat.
A couple of the families have packed up and moved back east ward. Blake tried to reason with them. He explained that hard times come but they also go. He tried to help them understand that this amazing fertile ground will produce. This is just a hard season.
He quoted from the Bible, "To everything thing turn, turn, there is a season turn turn turn, and a time to every purpose under heaven....a time plant...a time to reap..." He said that even if the crops fail this year plowing them under will make the land even more fertile and next year we will have lots of water.
Blake is so sad when anyone leaves this place and space. He feels heavily invested in this town that he gave his name to.
Finally on the third week of August it rained, and rained, and rained, and rained, and then stopped. It rained long enough to save the crops. I have never been so grateful for rain.
I have helped Red cultivate and grow a garden at the ranch. I have also had a small garden at my place, just in back of the shop. I grow herbs, corn, and several small types of vegetables.
The harvest is beginning. It is NOT as bountiful as most years but we will not starve this winter. Sophronia Evans and I bottled 40 quarts of beans yesterday. It's so much more fun to bottle with a friend. Sophrie is the kind of friend that I could do anything with her and it would be a pleasure!
The leaves are changing. Each day I see brighter color as I take an early morning walk through town. Blake has promised to take me to Fern Falls to see the leaves this Sunday. I'm so excited!
Even though our last trip there left me feeling inadequate to his second wife Sarah, I've realized that I need to think more about the beauty of that place, and what a lovely woman Sarah was. I'm raising her son and Ardis' son. I need to understand how they want me to raise their boys. To do that I need to understand more about each of them.
Friday, June 28, 2013
Tuesday, June 25, 2013
Celeste's Journal
Blake and I had planned an entire day together, just the two of us. I was so excited, while I waited, I couldn't sit still. I paced all around my small space. Then I zigzagged. Next I went back and forth.
When Blake arrived he apologized. "I'm sorry to be late Celeste. There were some problems with the logging on the hillside, south of the ranch. Somebody got the idea that it would be much faster and easier to clear cut the trees. I explained both to them, and to my foreman that if anybody repeated clear cutting the forests around our home they would be fired."
"It took much longer than I had planned. The man was so stubborn that I gave him a brief lesson about the benefits of replenishing forest even as we cut some of them down. I hope that he finally understood what I was trying to teach him."
Blake looked at Celeste. "WOW...I'm so sorry dear Mademoiselle. I can't believe that I have been going on and on about logging when a beautiful woman was standing in front of me!"
Blake lowered his head and I could feel the kiss coming. Warmth spread throughout my entire body. I went from feeling tense and anxious to peaceful and joyous in that one moment. Blake's kisses are simply rapturous.
Taking my hand he pulled my shawl from its hook. "Where are we going mon chere Blake?" I asked. "Never mind Celeste. It's a surprise."
He tucked my arm into his and together we walked out into the splendid, sparkling sunshine of a morning near the coast of Oregon. It had rained in the night. The drops of rain that were left radiated brilliantly like diamonds.
I have never owned a diamond but my Mama did. It was tiny but when the sun hit it the facets in it caused it to create a rainbow of color. Rainbow...that is my favorite color. Some people would say that rainbow is NOT one color but ALL the colors. I would answer that, "Exactly. I LOVE all color."
We rode a very long way in the buggy. We sang songs, joked, and spoke about everything and nothing at all. When we arrived I was so excited. I couldn't wait for Blake to help me down. I just ran around in circles saying, "Oh Blake, have you seen this? Oh Blake have you seen that?"
Blake just patiently got out the picnic basket, and a quilt. He laid the quilt on the grass and began to unpack the lunch. Finally I calmed down enough to help.
I asked, "What is this place called Blake?" He answered, "This is Fern Falls. It is on the south end of my ranch." "Wait, you own this place?" "Pretty much," Blake answered.
Red had out done himself with our lunch. We had sandwiches of tender pork roast. The bread was made by Red, the butter was made by Red. We had carrots, new, freshly picked from the ground. Pickles also made by Red were dilled, with a tart tanginess.
The dessert was amazing. Red had made angel food cake. He packed fresh raspberries, and fresh cream. I much prefer raspberry shortcake to strawberry shortcake. I adore the texture, and sweet tartness of raspberries. Strawberries seem almost too sweet to me.
After eating far too much of Red's culinary arts I groaned and laid back on the blanket. "It was all so good that I'm sorry to be too full to eat any more!" Blake laid down as well. "I heartily agree. I think we should take a short nap. Oui?" Blake looked at me questioningly. "Oui," I said with a smile.
I drifted off to sleep with the droning of buzzing bees, crickets singing love songs, and the rushing water of Fern Falls crashing over a cliff. No dreams troubled this deep, restorative rest.
Some time later I awakened. The sun was bright in my face. I turned to the right and realized that I was lying next to Blake. He had his arm under my head pillowing it. We were so close, too close. I felt feelings that I had never felt before towards any man. I was a prostitute but I have never been courted by a man. I have never known about little things like holding hands, that first magical kiss, the normal feelings that men and women have when they are courting.
Blake's eyes suddenly opened. "Nice nap," he said with a grin. Slowly he eased away from me. Standing slowly he held out his hand to me. "Time for a walk?"
"Oui, oui." I said quietly. I think Blake was also feeling and thinking things that he was uncomfortable with.
We walked along slowly and silently for a long way. Finally we came to a place on the trail where you could only walk single file. To the right was a long, deep, drop off. I think it was about 1,000 foot drop. To the left was a granite wall of stone. It rose straight up, up so high it looked as though it could scratch the sky.
Blake stopped. He cleared away some brush and debris and uncovered a space in the cliff face. He said, "You have to lean over to climb through here. Mind your head."
I was astonished when we stood up after climbing through the doorway. There was a rock circle here. It was as though a room had been created with rock as the walls. The sky was the roof.
Blake held my hands tightly. "Celeste, we must speak quietly here. This is the resting place for "The People." That's the name of Sarah's tribe. She was supposed to be "The Leader," of her people. She gave up that honor, and her people to marry me."
"Why did you bring me here, Blake?" "You would have loved Sarah and Sarah would have loved you. She was deeply wise my darling second wife. Before she passed she told me that I would have great happiness in life."
"I think she got that idea wrong. I don't know how she expected me to be happy without her." Blake said sorrowfully. "I still don't know why you brought ME here, Blake." I was exasperated. I didn't want to be proxy for a dead woman, ever, ever, again.
Blake shook his head as if clearing his thoughts. He took my hand. "Come with me Celeste." Walking to one of the rock walls I saw the symbol of a fish on a rock. Blake pushed on the rock, and a deep, low, grumbling began in the rock. The wall slid back and revealed a staircase.
Blake led me upwards with only the short statement, "Watch your step Celeste. These steps are narrow and steep."
When we reached the top of the staircase Blake pressed another stone with the same fish design. Again that low rumble and this time I saw that there were two doors to close, the one on the bottom of the staircase and the one on the top.
We were standing in a huge field. I could not see the end of it. Both sides were boundaried by rock face standing upwards of 200 feet high. Blake took my hand and we walked together.
Finally we came to space that was about 5 feet higher than the rest of the area. Blake helped me climb up the incline leading to the top of this space. It was a large space, probably 1/4 mile by 1/4 mile. A wooden cross stood by a tree. Next to the cross was a piece of wood with the words carved on, Sarah Calkin, Leader of the People, Beloved by All
Blake stood very solemnly. He dropped my hand and took off his hat. Standing there he lowered his head and tears began to drop down his face.
I felt extremely uncomfortable. It seemed as though I was intruding on something deeply personal, and sacred. I wasn't certain if I should stay or walk away. I just stood as quietly as I could. Lowering my head I said, "God, if you are there, bless the Calkin family. They have endured so much of loss. Please bless them with gain."
Finally Blake wiped his tears, put his hat back on and looked over at me. He looked like he was surprised that I was there. I'm certain that as he was looking at Sarah's grave he forgot about me.
I felt hurt, humiliated, and inadequate. Negative emotions flooded my heart. Why would Blake bring me to his wife's grave? Would he ever move past the sorrows he had endured and look forward to love, with me?
As we were walking in the field I thought, "Wait, Sarah and Blake were only married 3 or 4 years ago. Why is the field where The People lived so empty?"
I asked Blake that question. He said in a small, sad voice, "They just moved on."
We were both silent as we went down the staircase, through the circle of rock, and out the archway to the trail. We were silent as we walked back to the buggy. We were silent on the ride home.
Finally when we reached my home Blake helped me out of the wagon. He lifted me high and then as he brought me down slowly he kissed me. This kiss had little to do with gentleness. This kiss was ferocious. It felt as though Blake were starving and I was his feast.
Finally he put me down and drew back. "Celeste, I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have taken you to Sarah's grave. I guess I just wanted you to see where she had lived. Please be patient with me Cele. I will think that I've healed from the loss of Sarah, and then the anguish, the separation is back, stabbingly fierce."
I wanted nothing more at that moment than to run in my space, and shut out everything...and everyone. I wanted to throw myself down on my mattress and cry myself to sleep. Instead I was adult about things. I kissed Blake on the cheek and said, "Don't worry Blake. Fern Falls is a lovely place. Thank you for the picnic."
Turning I tried to make my escape. Blake took my hand and stopped me. "You are an amazing lady Celeste Benoit. Please don't give up on me."
I pulled free from Blake's grip and ran into my shop. I flung myself on my bed and cried, and cried until I was dry, there were no more tears to cry. Sometimes that is worse. Tears can help to heal the raggedy edged pain of sorrow. Dryness can't take away the deepest of ache inside a sad soul.
I fell asleep, face puffy from tears. I awakened two hours later, and started writing the whole miserable experience here in my journal. I'm going back to sleep, I have a full schedule tomorrow.
Thursday, June 20, 2013
Celeste's Journal
Blake was snatched back from the brink of death. Doctor Stone said that his recovery is a miracle. The good doc explained that big cat's carry awful germs in their large paws. So when they maul a person like it did Blake they rarely ever survive. He said that even one scratch could infect a person so badly that they would die.
I still am not sure of what I think about God. I've been angry with him for so long. Yet during Blake's illness I prayed...the first time I had done that since my family died. In addition I have worked with the boys to say their nightly prayers. I do it because I know that's what Ardis and Sarah would have wished for their sons...to pray, go to church, and have a background of faith to get them through the hardest parts of life.
So...we thought the worst was over...AND THEN...Jamie became very ill. Doc didn't know what caused the illness. Jamie was throwing up, had diarrhea, a really high temperature, and his throat was very sore and swollen to the point that he couldn't swallow.
Next he became delirious for three days. I was afraid that his Mother Sarah was coming to bring him to her.
I fell asleep in a rocker next to his bed one night. I was awakened by the sweetest voice. "Celeste, Celeste, please wake up." I came upright in one jerk. There raised slightly above the earth was a person. Her face radiated the purest of joy and rapture. I recognized her from Jamie's picture of his Mama, Sarah.
She said, "Celeste, I want to thank you for taking good care of Jamie. He IS very sick but he WILL recover. Do not worry dear Celeste. He WILL recover."
"Remember that Eric was my son as well. I loved him as though he had been in my womb. I am also grateful that you take such loving care of him."
"Celeste, you have brought so much happiness to Blake. He was so damaged by my death, but then you know that." I blushed hard thinking of my first meeting with Blake. I was surprised to find myself blushing. I thought that I had long since quit being embarrassed by human behavior.
"Don't be impatient with Blake, Celeste. He WILL come to realize how much he loves you. I want you to know that Ardis and I are together and we both give our blessing to your union with Blake. He needs the companionship and love of a good woman...a woman who will also adore our sons and raise them in the ways of the Great Creator."
Sarah's person shimmered. I was a little discomforted by the realization that I could see the opposite wall right through Sarah.
Sarah laughed and as she laughed she shimmered more. Her clothing was the brightest white that I had ever seen. The white seemed to become brighter and lighter as Sarah laughed.
Finally Sarah said, "Never forget Celeste that Ardis and I love and appreciate you. We are all part of a family. In our family there will be eternal love."
"Dear you had better awaken now. Jamie is awake and very ill...NOW!"
I jerked forward and shook my head. Jamie was throwing up in the pail they kept next to his bed. I ran forward to hold his head, and smooth the hair away from his flushed face.
I didn't have time then to think about my dream, and what Sarah said. Later, when Jamie had healed and I had moved home. I had lots of time to think about it. It gave me a sense of peace and joy to think that Ardis and Sarah approved of me. Now if I could just get Blake to agree!
Shaking my head I tried to clear it. The dream had seemed so real. But I was sleeping when it
happened. It was just a dream. Sarah is dead. She couldn't come to me, could she? Feeling confused I decided it was time to sleep. Good-night!
I still am not sure of what I think about God. I've been angry with him for so long. Yet during Blake's illness I prayed...the first time I had done that since my family died. In addition I have worked with the boys to say their nightly prayers. I do it because I know that's what Ardis and Sarah would have wished for their sons...to pray, go to church, and have a background of faith to get them through the hardest parts of life.
So...we thought the worst was over...AND THEN...Jamie became very ill. Doc didn't know what caused the illness. Jamie was throwing up, had diarrhea, a really high temperature, and his throat was very sore and swollen to the point that he couldn't swallow.
Next he became delirious for three days. I was afraid that his Mother Sarah was coming to bring him to her.
I fell asleep in a rocker next to his bed one night. I was awakened by the sweetest voice. "Celeste, Celeste, please wake up." I came upright in one jerk. There raised slightly above the earth was a person. Her face radiated the purest of joy and rapture. I recognized her from Jamie's picture of his Mama, Sarah.
She said, "Celeste, I want to thank you for taking good care of Jamie. He IS very sick but he WILL recover. Do not worry dear Celeste. He WILL recover."
"Remember that Eric was my son as well. I loved him as though he had been in my womb. I am also grateful that you take such loving care of him."
"Celeste, you have brought so much happiness to Blake. He was so damaged by my death, but then you know that." I blushed hard thinking of my first meeting with Blake. I was surprised to find myself blushing. I thought that I had long since quit being embarrassed by human behavior.
"Don't be impatient with Blake, Celeste. He WILL come to realize how much he loves you. I want you to know that Ardis and I are together and we both give our blessing to your union with Blake. He needs the companionship and love of a good woman...a woman who will also adore our sons and raise them in the ways of the Great Creator."
Sarah's person shimmered. I was a little discomforted by the realization that I could see the opposite wall right through Sarah.
Sarah laughed and as she laughed she shimmered more. Her clothing was the brightest white that I had ever seen. The white seemed to become brighter and lighter as Sarah laughed.
Finally Sarah said, "Never forget Celeste that Ardis and I love and appreciate you. We are all part of a family. In our family there will be eternal love."
"Dear you had better awaken now. Jamie is awake and very ill...NOW!"
I jerked forward and shook my head. Jamie was throwing up in the pail they kept next to his bed. I ran forward to hold his head, and smooth the hair away from his flushed face.
I didn't have time then to think about my dream, and what Sarah said. Later, when Jamie had healed and I had moved home. I had lots of time to think about it. It gave me a sense of peace and joy to think that Ardis and Sarah approved of me. Now if I could just get Blake to agree!
Shaking my head I tried to clear it. The dream had seemed so real. But I was sleeping when it
happened. It was just a dream. Sarah is dead. She couldn't come to me, could she? Feeling confused I decided it was time to sleep. Good-night!
Tuesday, June 18, 2013
Celeste's Journal
The breeze wafted gently through the trees. Blake and I ate a delightful banquet in the meadow just beyond his ranch house. The land has been cleared except for trees that surround it. There is a tiny creek that runs along the meadow. The music made by the creek sounds mixes with birdsong, and some tiny tree frogs. I also hear buzzzing of bees, and a squirrel chattering a lecture to her children.
I am so very grateful that Blake is well again. He is still weakened from his near death experience. He tires easily, but each day brings a little more health to my beloved.
Blake kisses me lots now. It is both wonderful and awful. Wonderful because the feel of his beautiful lips on mine chases away all reason. His kisses invite me to hold and be held. Yet they also bring the natural desire to go beyond kissing.
I'm in awe of the control that Blake has over his physical desire for intimacy. It sometimes seems as though he is made of iron as he resists the natural human lusts.
Sigh...I determined to write only positive things tonight so I'm going to draw my mind back from the negative abyss.
Jamie....today he called me "Maman." I love that boy with fullness of heart. He's growing so quickly. He runs everywhere and climbs like a monkey. I just wish....oh there I go again. I must accept my life as it is right now and be content.
Eric...ah my Eric. He throws his arms around me, kisses me on the cheek, and says, "Maman, I missed you Maman. Everytime that I have to be away from you I miss you Maman."
These boys bring me total and unlimited joy. Watching them grow, change, and develop is the richest blessing of my life.
Red, is my brother. While we worked together side by side to save Blake's life our familial love grew. I am so grateful that I now have a brother again. Red does not replace my brother who is buried at sea but just as one brother does not replace the other, Red gives me the joy of having a brother who is alive!
I tease Red a lot about dating. He just doesn't do it. He says, "I loved my Ruthie, and my Angela daughter. When they died a large part of me died as well. I can't love like that ever again Celeste. Besides Ruthie and Angela are waiting for me, so why do I need another marriage?"
I hug him and say, "There are so many wonderful women in the world Red that would be grateful to have a man like you in their lives. Never, NEVER give up on love my beloved Reese."
Red then bows his head, blushes, and says, "Oh Celeste, go on with you!"
Well sleep is drawing me close, my pen is straying as I drift into slumber. Good-night!
I am so very grateful that Blake is well again. He is still weakened from his near death experience. He tires easily, but each day brings a little more health to my beloved.
Blake kisses me lots now. It is both wonderful and awful. Wonderful because the feel of his beautiful lips on mine chases away all reason. His kisses invite me to hold and be held. Yet they also bring the natural desire to go beyond kissing.
I'm in awe of the control that Blake has over his physical desire for intimacy. It sometimes seems as though he is made of iron as he resists the natural human lusts.
Sigh...I determined to write only positive things tonight so I'm going to draw my mind back from the negative abyss.
Jamie....today he called me "Maman." I love that boy with fullness of heart. He's growing so quickly. He runs everywhere and climbs like a monkey. I just wish....oh there I go again. I must accept my life as it is right now and be content.
Eric...ah my Eric. He throws his arms around me, kisses me on the cheek, and says, "Maman, I missed you Maman. Everytime that I have to be away from you I miss you Maman."
These boys bring me total and unlimited joy. Watching them grow, change, and develop is the richest blessing of my life.
Red, is my brother. While we worked together side by side to save Blake's life our familial love grew. I am so grateful that I now have a brother again. Red does not replace my brother who is buried at sea but just as one brother does not replace the other, Red gives me the joy of having a brother who is alive!
I tease Red a lot about dating. He just doesn't do it. He says, "I loved my Ruthie, and my Angela daughter. When they died a large part of me died as well. I can't love like that ever again Celeste. Besides Ruthie and Angela are waiting for me, so why do I need another marriage?"
I hug him and say, "There are so many wonderful women in the world Red that would be grateful to have a man like you in their lives. Never, NEVER give up on love my beloved Reese."
Red then bows his head, blushes, and says, "Oh Celeste, go on with you!"
Well sleep is drawing me close, my pen is straying as I drift into slumber. Good-night!
Monday, June 17, 2013
Celeste's Journal
Oh we came desperately close to losing my beloved Blake. Interesting to me how the possibility of death reveals the joys in life. Priorities become crystal clear, and the day to day stuff that we all live, food preparation, work to bring in money to buy food, eating, bill paying, all of it slides away.
Blake's fever kept climbing and climbing. Nothing seemed to help. Doc Stone kept reading medical journals, and he even sent a telegram to a dear friend that practices both modern medicine and Native American Medicine. We used blankets to sweat out the fever. That didn't work. Then we used ice to freeze out the fever. That worked for a few hours but then up that fever climbed again.
Finally Doc brought some sort of tree bark, and made a tea from it. That did the trick. For the first time in over a week Blake awakened from his delirium. He was so startled to know that a week had passed. He remembered nothing beyond the fight with the big cat.
His wounds are almost healed, but they will leave scars...on his body, and his soul. We drove to town to get him out of the house. I had to drive, he is still very weak. As we would drive under a tree he would reflexively glance upwards.
One time there was some unidentified noise above us and I thought Blake was going to jump right out of the buggy. I kept driving until I found a spot where there weren't trees right over the road. (That's tricky we live in land of many, MANY, trees).
Blake pulled me into his arms and said sorrowfully, "Celeste do you think I'll ever get over these fears, this fright?" As he said this he held me so close I had a tough time breathing.
I responded very calmly, and matter of factly, "Blake you have been through a very difficult ordeal. OF COURSE, you are having a hard time. Remember that time does diminish the pain of your experience. You will heal both inside and out, but it takes time."
After several long minutes Blake released me. He sighed, an enormous sigh, and then said, "OK, Celeste, let's travel on."
I love him so much!
Blake's fever kept climbing and climbing. Nothing seemed to help. Doc Stone kept reading medical journals, and he even sent a telegram to a dear friend that practices both modern medicine and Native American Medicine. We used blankets to sweat out the fever. That didn't work. Then we used ice to freeze out the fever. That worked for a few hours but then up that fever climbed again.
Finally Doc brought some sort of tree bark, and made a tea from it. That did the trick. For the first time in over a week Blake awakened from his delirium. He was so startled to know that a week had passed. He remembered nothing beyond the fight with the big cat.
His wounds are almost healed, but they will leave scars...on his body, and his soul. We drove to town to get him out of the house. I had to drive, he is still very weak. As we would drive under a tree he would reflexively glance upwards.
One time there was some unidentified noise above us and I thought Blake was going to jump right out of the buggy. I kept driving until I found a spot where there weren't trees right over the road. (That's tricky we live in land of many, MANY, trees).
Blake pulled me into his arms and said sorrowfully, "Celeste do you think I'll ever get over these fears, this fright?" As he said this he held me so close I had a tough time breathing.
I responded very calmly, and matter of factly, "Blake you have been through a very difficult ordeal. OF COURSE, you are having a hard time. Remember that time does diminish the pain of your experience. You will heal both inside and out, but it takes time."
After several long minutes Blake released me. He sighed, an enormous sigh, and then said, "OK, Celeste, let's travel on."
I love him so much!
Monday, June 10, 2013
Celeste's Journal
Blake is desperately ill. Doc has stayed at the ranch for the last two days. He says that Blake could die from the infection that rages through his system. No, no, even God could not be that cruel. The man that I love so dearly, the man that I share children with? No, oh God please no.
I have actually prayed many times over the last few days. That's strange for me because I have not prayed since all of the evil that entered my life. I felt a need to blame something, someone, for all of the events since my family left France.
Yet, where else can I turn. Who can I cry to? My prayers are not really gentle pleadings. They are angered rants. I scream at God...begging him to deliver Blake from this infection.
Blake knows nothing, and no one. Yesterday he was talking to Sarah as though she was in the room with us. The day before he spoke to Ardis. Sometimes I wish I could see what he does. What I would give to see Mama and Papa again...so precious and amazing that would be...even for a moment.
Jamie is too young to understand how serious this situation is. He is his usual bumblebee self, running headlong towards trouble on a moment to moment basis. It's hard for me to watch the boys right now. I simply want to be by Blake's side, all the time, all the time, all the time!
Sophronia heard about the situation. She came yesterday and took the boys home with her. She's such a beloved, dear friend. Since I have few friends the ones that I have I cherish.
Doc has been a source of faith and strength. He seems so serious and a bit overwhelming, quite frankly, but then he turns and winks at me and I realize that he is like a chocolate caramel. His exterior is strong and firm, but inside is a gooey, loving center.
I sponge Blake again, again, and again, trying to keep his fever from raging too high. He turns and twists in the covers, soaking them again, and again with sweat from that blistering heat filling his body.
Red has not slept in days. Finally this afternoon I sent him to bed. I threatened that I would tell the boys that there was no St. Nicholas...of course I wouldn't, but he was so tired that was all it took to get him to go to bed.
I sit here now next to Blake. He has been a little more still these last two hours. His stillness frightens me more than his sweating tossing and turning did. I am alone with him. Doc finally had to leave to care for his other patients.
Oh God, if you are even in the Heavens bless Blake. I love him God, I love him with all my heart and soul. Please bring him back from death's door. I simply can not bear one more death...I fear that I would die as well if he dies. After all, what would I have left to live for?
Oh, right, the boys. If Blake dies I really would be their Mother. Yes, I would live for the boys, but please do NOT take Blake from us.
I must quit writing. The tears are coming so thick and fast that I will smear the ink.
I have actually prayed many times over the last few days. That's strange for me because I have not prayed since all of the evil that entered my life. I felt a need to blame something, someone, for all of the events since my family left France.
Yet, where else can I turn. Who can I cry to? My prayers are not really gentle pleadings. They are angered rants. I scream at God...begging him to deliver Blake from this infection.
Blake knows nothing, and no one. Yesterday he was talking to Sarah as though she was in the room with us. The day before he spoke to Ardis. Sometimes I wish I could see what he does. What I would give to see Mama and Papa again...so precious and amazing that would be...even for a moment.
Jamie is too young to understand how serious this situation is. He is his usual bumblebee self, running headlong towards trouble on a moment to moment basis. It's hard for me to watch the boys right now. I simply want to be by Blake's side, all the time, all the time, all the time!
Sophronia heard about the situation. She came yesterday and took the boys home with her. She's such a beloved, dear friend. Since I have few friends the ones that I have I cherish.
Doc has been a source of faith and strength. He seems so serious and a bit overwhelming, quite frankly, but then he turns and winks at me and I realize that he is like a chocolate caramel. His exterior is strong and firm, but inside is a gooey, loving center.
I sponge Blake again, again, and again, trying to keep his fever from raging too high. He turns and twists in the covers, soaking them again, and again with sweat from that blistering heat filling his body.
Red has not slept in days. Finally this afternoon I sent him to bed. I threatened that I would tell the boys that there was no St. Nicholas...of course I wouldn't, but he was so tired that was all it took to get him to go to bed.
I sit here now next to Blake. He has been a little more still these last two hours. His stillness frightens me more than his sweating tossing and turning did. I am alone with him. Doc finally had to leave to care for his other patients.
Oh God, if you are even in the Heavens bless Blake. I love him God, I love him with all my heart and soul. Please bring him back from death's door. I simply can not bear one more death...I fear that I would die as well if he dies. After all, what would I have left to live for?
Oh, right, the boys. If Blake dies I really would be their Mother. Yes, I would live for the boys, but please do NOT take Blake from us.
I must quit writing. The tears are coming so thick and fast that I will smear the ink.
Saturday, June 8, 2013
Celeste's Journal
I am having a difficult time getting to sleep tonight. I almost lost my beloved Blake today. Red and Blake go to Astoria once a month for groceries, and other supplies. (We don't have a mercantile establishment in Calkington yet).
They were close to home. As they traveled along the canyon road Red was driving. A big cat jumped down from a tree. The cat dug claws into Blake. It bit onto Blake's arm to keep from falling as the wagon kept moving.
Red said that Blake screamed. Then Blake started punching the cat in the face....time, and time,and time again. The cat finally jumped down. Blake began to bleed profusely from his multiple wounds. The creature left multiple puncture wounds on Blake's arm. Some of the tooth wounds went clear to the bone. It also bit Blake's head, his shoulder, his back, and mauled him with its teeth.
He had one bite on his back that required Red to stitch over a hundred stitches to close the wound. He had lost lots of blood by the time they got home. Red felt that it was more important to get Blake home than to try and put pressure on the bleeding. Blake was bleeding from so many places that Red said he didn't have enough hands to keep pressure on all the wounds anyway.
When they got home Red and I cleaned the wounds with witch hazel. First Red gave Blake Laudanum because he was in such hideous pain. He didn't scream when we poured the witch hazel, but tears ran down his face. I tried to talk to him to distract him but it was very obvious that he couldn't focus on any topic so I quit.
Curly went to town and got Doc Stone. Thank Heavens we now have a doc in town. He just came last week. I don't understand why any doctor would want to relocate to this tiny town. Yet, small as we are I have no doubt that we keep doc busy with childbirth, sickness, and wounds like Blake's. This wilderness has not given up its stern hold on humans.
After Blake was cleansed, stitched, and then examined by doc I went to my room and cried, and cried. I couldn't decide if I was crying for relief that Blake was alive, or because of the pain, and sickness that he will now endure. I probably was crying for both things.
Red and I decided to take turns caring for Blake tonight. I'm second so I need to sleep for awhile. I hope I can...I'm really tired, and I must be alert as I take my turn watching over Blake. Goodnight!
They were close to home. As they traveled along the canyon road Red was driving. A big cat jumped down from a tree. The cat dug claws into Blake. It bit onto Blake's arm to keep from falling as the wagon kept moving.
Red said that Blake screamed. Then Blake started punching the cat in the face....time, and time,and time again. The cat finally jumped down. Blake began to bleed profusely from his multiple wounds. The creature left multiple puncture wounds on Blake's arm. Some of the tooth wounds went clear to the bone. It also bit Blake's head, his shoulder, his back, and mauled him with its teeth.
He had one bite on his back that required Red to stitch over a hundred stitches to close the wound. He had lost lots of blood by the time they got home. Red felt that it was more important to get Blake home than to try and put pressure on the bleeding. Blake was bleeding from so many places that Red said he didn't have enough hands to keep pressure on all the wounds anyway.
When they got home Red and I cleaned the wounds with witch hazel. First Red gave Blake Laudanum because he was in such hideous pain. He didn't scream when we poured the witch hazel, but tears ran down his face. I tried to talk to him to distract him but it was very obvious that he couldn't focus on any topic so I quit.
Curly went to town and got Doc Stone. Thank Heavens we now have a doc in town. He just came last week. I don't understand why any doctor would want to relocate to this tiny town. Yet, small as we are I have no doubt that we keep doc busy with childbirth, sickness, and wounds like Blake's. This wilderness has not given up its stern hold on humans.
After Blake was cleansed, stitched, and then examined by doc I went to my room and cried, and cried. I couldn't decide if I was crying for relief that Blake was alive, or because of the pain, and sickness that he will now endure. I probably was crying for both things.
Red and I decided to take turns caring for Blake tonight. I'm second so I need to sleep for awhile. I hope I can...I'm really tired, and I must be alert as I take my turn watching over Blake. Goodnight!
Friday, June 7, 2013
Celeste's Journal
I do not shock easily. Too many hard things have happened in my life to open my eyes to the ugliest things in the world. Today I was shocked.
I started to cry when Blake was here. I told him how hard it was for me to sew for Lucille Bond when she is so rude, and unkind to me. Each and every time she comes in my shop she works very hard to make me feel slimy, and dirty.
Blake hugged me tight. Then he said, "Lucille was very good friends with Ardis, my first wife. Ardis lived with Lucille and Willard all that hard year while she was trying to decide whether to stay in Calkington or to go back to the Midwest to look for her husband Tom. He had left to fight in the Union Army."
"After Ardis died, Lucille changed. She took Ardis' death very hard. She grieved hard, and strongly."
"When I married Sarah, Lucille wouldn't come to the wedding. She hates Native American's. Her great grandparents were massacred back East by Native Americans. As much as Lucille loved Ardis she hated Sarah."
"Sarah came home from town crying really hard one day. She told me that Lucille passed her on the boardwalk. Sarah smiled and said hello. Lucille spit right in her face. She told Sarah that I had lost my mind from my grief after Ardis' death. That would be the only reason why I would marry 'Indian trash,' like Sarah."
I was stunned when Blake told me that. I think he was trying to make me feel better about Lucille's hatefulness towards me. It just made me even sorrier for Sarah. From Blake's description Sarah was an amazing woman. I have actually been inspired by her example of being gracious, loving, and generous, ESPECIALLY when people in town treated her so hatefully.
When I go in town with Jamie I keep him close to me.l I wouldn't be surprised if Lucille spit on him. He is half Native American. Blake tells me that Jamie looks so much his Mama that it's amazing. I can see that, but I can also see Blake's impress there. Jamie has the same dimples that Blake has. Jamie is beautiful. Every feature is perfect, even. His skin is just a shade darker than mine a beautiful light gold.
We went to Portland last summer. People actually stopped me on the street to tell me what a beautiful son that I had. Then they would narrow their eyes and look from him to me as if to say, "Wait, he doesn't look like you. He must look like his Father?"
Nobody ever tells Eric how handsome he is. Eric's features do not make him handsome in the traditional way. Yet his heart makes him beyond beautiful. He is strong, loving, and very bright.
I feel as though I know Ardis and Sarah through their boys. Blake has told me that Ardis was always happy. Even when she lost all of her family she still kept living in a positive manner. Sarah was "The Leader of The People." She was strong, powerful, and yet sensitive, and deeply spiritual. I feel that I would have loved either of them had life allowed me to meet them.
I'm so grateful that Blake trusts me with the mothering of his sons. I cherish these boys. I would die to protect them without thought. Instead I will do my best to keep living, and give those boys all of the living that I can.
I started to cry when Blake was here. I told him how hard it was for me to sew for Lucille Bond when she is so rude, and unkind to me. Each and every time she comes in my shop she works very hard to make me feel slimy, and dirty.
Blake hugged me tight. Then he said, "Lucille was very good friends with Ardis, my first wife. Ardis lived with Lucille and Willard all that hard year while she was trying to decide whether to stay in Calkington or to go back to the Midwest to look for her husband Tom. He had left to fight in the Union Army."
"After Ardis died, Lucille changed. She took Ardis' death very hard. She grieved hard, and strongly."
"When I married Sarah, Lucille wouldn't come to the wedding. She hates Native American's. Her great grandparents were massacred back East by Native Americans. As much as Lucille loved Ardis she hated Sarah."
"Sarah came home from town crying really hard one day. She told me that Lucille passed her on the boardwalk. Sarah smiled and said hello. Lucille spit right in her face. She told Sarah that I had lost my mind from my grief after Ardis' death. That would be the only reason why I would marry 'Indian trash,' like Sarah."
I was stunned when Blake told me that. I think he was trying to make me feel better about Lucille's hatefulness towards me. It just made me even sorrier for Sarah. From Blake's description Sarah was an amazing woman. I have actually been inspired by her example of being gracious, loving, and generous, ESPECIALLY when people in town treated her so hatefully.
When I go in town with Jamie I keep him close to me.l I wouldn't be surprised if Lucille spit on him. He is half Native American. Blake tells me that Jamie looks so much his Mama that it's amazing. I can see that, but I can also see Blake's impress there. Jamie has the same dimples that Blake has. Jamie is beautiful. Every feature is perfect, even. His skin is just a shade darker than mine a beautiful light gold.
We went to Portland last summer. People actually stopped me on the street to tell me what a beautiful son that I had. Then they would narrow their eyes and look from him to me as if to say, "Wait, he doesn't look like you. He must look like his Father?"
Nobody ever tells Eric how handsome he is. Eric's features do not make him handsome in the traditional way. Yet his heart makes him beyond beautiful. He is strong, loving, and very bright.
I feel as though I know Ardis and Sarah through their boys. Blake has told me that Ardis was always happy. Even when she lost all of her family she still kept living in a positive manner. Sarah was "The Leader of The People." She was strong, powerful, and yet sensitive, and deeply spiritual. I feel that I would have loved either of them had life allowed me to meet them.
I'm so grateful that Blake trusts me with the mothering of his sons. I cherish these boys. I would die to protect them without thought. Instead I will do my best to keep living, and give those boys all of the living that I can.
Thursday, June 6, 2013
Celeste's Journal
Sophronia Evans has become a dear friend to me. In the beginning of our friendship she said to me, "Celeste, I want you to know that I am aware of the terrible thing that happened to you. Now that you know that I know I also want you to know that I don't judge you. It was NOT your fault. It was the fault of an evil, perverted woman who no longer had any human decency. Now that we have that out in the open is there anything about that you wish to talk about?"
I stood there stunned but finally managed to choke out, "No?"
Sophrie said, "OK, we won't discuss it ever again unless you bring it up."
She then started chatting about how much she loves to grow herbs to cook with and use as medicine.
She comes to visit me at least once a week. She has two adorable children, Robert, and Lily. Her husband is a carpenter, and a very good one as well. He helped build my shop, my home. They seem very happy together.
I am trying to learn ways and means to cope with living alone. I HATE being alone. The brothel was an evil, hideous place. Still there were friendships there. We connected to help each other. We tried to protect each other from Tallelujah, Madame, and the horrible male customers.
There was only one woman in the Astoria brothel that was there out of choice. Even then I don't think a mentally healthy woman would make such a choice. Her Father beat and molested her from the time she was three until she ran away at fourteen. She was still a decent human being.
After Tallelujah beat me for running away she brought me little treats that she hid. She would rub my sore feet with lotion and talk to me about how much she loved to write. She wrote beautiful poetry about a lovely place where everyone was free and safe.
The "girls" from the brothel all struggled after the death of Madame LeRouge. None of them had family to turn to. They would never have been caught in Madame's web of lies if they had.
Blake was wonderful he helped each and everyone of them to find a better life. He paid for some of them to take classes to learn how to sew, or cook, or work in business. Some of them he gave money to leave and find a place where nobody knew them.
My beloved friend that chose the brothel life thought of staying and starting a new brothel. Blake and I talked her out of it. Blake helped her get a job as a maid for the Flavel's. I was so impressed with the way that Mary Flavel treated her. Mary acted as though they were equals. She never spoke to her with anything but respect. My friend practically worships the ground Mary Flavel walks on.
The Captain is also delightful. He tells her stories about his travels as a youth. He can be very stern, Captain Flavel. Yet he is astonishingly fair with everyone. If you are true and honest in your dealings with him he makes an excellent friend. If you cheat him or lie to him, even a small lie, he will find out. He makes a frightening enemy.
Yawn, stretch, well dear diary, I'm exhausted. I need to sleep. Tomorrow I have five fittings, and a wedding dress to begin sewing. Good night.
I stood there stunned but finally managed to choke out, "No?"
Sophrie said, "OK, we won't discuss it ever again unless you bring it up."
She then started chatting about how much she loves to grow herbs to cook with and use as medicine.
She comes to visit me at least once a week. She has two adorable children, Robert, and Lily. Her husband is a carpenter, and a very good one as well. He helped build my shop, my home. They seem very happy together.
I am trying to learn ways and means to cope with living alone. I HATE being alone. The brothel was an evil, hideous place. Still there were friendships there. We connected to help each other. We tried to protect each other from Tallelujah, Madame, and the horrible male customers.
There was only one woman in the Astoria brothel that was there out of choice. Even then I don't think a mentally healthy woman would make such a choice. Her Father beat and molested her from the time she was three until she ran away at fourteen. She was still a decent human being.
After Tallelujah beat me for running away she brought me little treats that she hid. She would rub my sore feet with lotion and talk to me about how much she loved to write. She wrote beautiful poetry about a lovely place where everyone was free and safe.
The "girls" from the brothel all struggled after the death of Madame LeRouge. None of them had family to turn to. They would never have been caught in Madame's web of lies if they had.
Blake was wonderful he helped each and everyone of them to find a better life. He paid for some of them to take classes to learn how to sew, or cook, or work in business. Some of them he gave money to leave and find a place where nobody knew them.
My beloved friend that chose the brothel life thought of staying and starting a new brothel. Blake and I talked her out of it. Blake helped her get a job as a maid for the Flavel's. I was so impressed with the way that Mary Flavel treated her. Mary acted as though they were equals. She never spoke to her with anything but respect. My friend practically worships the ground Mary Flavel walks on.
The Captain is also delightful. He tells her stories about his travels as a youth. He can be very stern, Captain Flavel. Yet he is astonishingly fair with everyone. If you are true and honest in your dealings with him he makes an excellent friend. If you cheat him or lie to him, even a small lie, he will find out. He makes a frightening enemy.
Yawn, stretch, well dear diary, I'm exhausted. I need to sleep. Tomorrow I have five fittings, and a wedding dress to begin sewing. Good night.
Monday, June 3, 2013
Celeste's Journal
This is not a typical journal entry. I was visiting Sophronia Evans and she made the most delicious coconut cake! So I wrote down the recipe in my journal which I had with me. (I carry my journal everywhere in case there is something I want to write down.) Carrying a pen doesn't work...but I carry a pencil instead.
Anyway, here is the recipe.
1 1/4 c sugar 2 tsp baking powder
1 3/4 c sifted flour 2 egg whites
1/2 cup butter 2/3 c milk
1 coconut (shredded)
Sift flour then measure, add baking powder and sift three times. Cream sugar and butter. Add flavoring (coconut that has been boiled with coconut milk until it comes to a boil), then flour and milk. Add the stiff beaten egg whites. Bake in two round layers.
Icing
2/3 c grated sugar
1/ c sweet butter
1/2 c sweet milk
grated coconut to desired taste and texture
Yolk of 1 egg beaten (cook this enough
to mix thoroughly & while warm add butter
size of a button and cool)
Add sweet milk, sugar, 1/4 cup of butter, lightly cooked egg yolk, anc coconut. Blend together with a fork to keep the texture of the frosting.
It was so yummy. The big problem will be getting coconut. Once in a great while a ship will come to Astoria with exotic fruit, bananas, coconuts, papayas, or oranges. Sophrie was very lucky to be in Astoria when an exotic shipment came in. Blake knows lots of people who are still Captains of ships. Maybe he can help me find a shipment coming our way. I love coconut...so light, and delicious!
Anyway, here is the recipe.
1 1/4 c sugar 2 tsp baking powder
1 3/4 c sifted flour 2 egg whites
1/2 cup butter 2/3 c milk
1 coconut (shredded)
Sift flour then measure, add baking powder and sift three times. Cream sugar and butter. Add flavoring (coconut that has been boiled with coconut milk until it comes to a boil), then flour and milk. Add the stiff beaten egg whites. Bake in two round layers.
Icing
2/3 c grated sugar
1/ c sweet butter
1/2 c sweet milk
grated coconut to desired taste and texture
Yolk of 1 egg beaten (cook this enough
to mix thoroughly & while warm add butter
size of a button and cool)
Add sweet milk, sugar, 1/4 cup of butter, lightly cooked egg yolk, anc coconut. Blend together with a fork to keep the texture of the frosting.
It was so yummy. The big problem will be getting coconut. Once in a great while a ship will come to Astoria with exotic fruit, bananas, coconuts, papayas, or oranges. Sophrie was very lucky to be in Astoria when an exotic shipment came in. Blake knows lots of people who are still Captains of ships. Maybe he can help me find a shipment coming our way. I love coconut...so light, and delicious!
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