July 30, 1890
Blake came and took me to Emma's for dinner tonight. He has started coming once a week to take me to Emma's. I told him that I would be happy to cook for us. He said that I need a chance to not cook once in awhile. I have to admit it's a lovely break.
The thing he doesn't seem to know is that I would be happy to split logs with him, or clean the barn with him. I would be happy to do anything as long as it was with him.
I hide this journal because I am so afraid that he will find it. I'm not ready to admit to him that I love him. I love him brighter than the sunshine, and longer than life. I am crazy head over heels in love with Blake Calkin. I'm grateful that I feel free to express my emotions somewhere. Even if that somewhere is in a book that I hide under my mattress.
I can only share my feelings with Sophronia Evans my dear, dear friend. I trust her with my life. I know that if I tell her something she will not share it with anyone else. I am grateful for her friendship. No one else here seems willing to overlook my past to be my friend in the present. I hope that Sophronia is never hurt by the awful things people say about me.
Eric and Jamie, what precious little boys they are. Jamie has begun to walk...no that's not quite right. He didn't really start to walk, he started to run, into everything. Then he began to climb.
Last week I was playing with Eric in the front room. I thought Jamie was with us. Then I heard a huge crash. It was followed by another, then another.
Deciding that the noise came from the kitchen I lifted my skirts and ran, in a very unladylike manner to the kitchen. Jamie stood on the counter with an enormous smile on his face. There were broken bottles of dried fruit, jerky, and sugar lying all about the floor. Jamie, monkeylike, had climbed the cupboard. Perching on one surface he pulled things off from above him.
I shook my head. The entire kitchen had been Red pristine, cleaned up neatly after breakfast. Red has gone to Astoria for a much needed vacation. Blake was working with his men cutting lumber to be sold.
It broke my heart but I gave Jamie a spanking. He simply had to understand that what he did was very dangerous to himself. When he cried I cried with him. Then I gave him a light lunch and put him to bed.
Because Jamie has learned to crawl out of his crib, and to open his door Blake put an ingenious device on the door that holds the door closed no matter how hard Jamie tries to get out. Jamie crawled out of the crib quickly, then tried to open the door. He began crying when he discovered that no matter how he pushed or twisted the door stayed firm.
I wanted to open the door and rock him but he must learn that limits are important to protect him. Sigh, sometimes being a parent is just plain hard work.
Through all of this Eric played in the front room. He is such a sweet, sober little man. I fixed him lunch. Then we sang some songs, and I read him a story. Soon he too was asleep. I dozed off in a chair while the two boys slept.
Jamie woke up screaming. That woke me up quickly. With my heart beating madly I raced up the stairs to his room. When I unlatched the door and opened it Jamie was smiling his enormous smile and holding his arms up. I would swear that as young as he is he knew that if he screamed I would come. Oh what a charmer this child will be. When he becomes a young man we will have our hands full teaching him NOT to break young women's hearts.
When Eric woke up I took both of them for a picnic. We went to the lovely field to the side of the ranch house. I brought peach lemonade (I was able to salvage a few dried peaches that Jamie had dropped.) We had cucumber sandwiches. We also had a little bit of brownie that Red made before he left.
While we sat in the open air eating I felt as though I was truly home at last. These boys are my sons. Never mind that I currently live apart from them. I am convinced that in time I will win Blake's heart and we will marry. Then we will joyously raise these boys together.
I am good at dreaming. What if Blake NEVER grows to love me enough to marry me? I refuse to even allow that thought entrance into my heart.
Thursday, April 25, 2013
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
Celeste's Journal
September 20, 1868
Sunshine shines brightly. My window is clear and clean. My shop is empty.
I sew a dress for a woman who has everything that she needs, and everything that she wants. Her name is Lucille Bond. She would love nothing better than to discredit me, to spread evil gossip about me that would drive me from Calkington.
I sometimes feel dissatisfied by the life I live. I am in love with Blake Calkin who is still in love with his first and second wives. He has vowed to never again marry. That leaves me in love with a man who will never return my love in the same way.
I know that I am grateful because I have been released from slavery. Yet sometimes the evil of those three years in Madame LeRouge's grabs me in the nighttime. It tortures me with nightmares at the time that I am most vulnerable to attack.
This customer that I sew for is toxic to me. I depend on her patronage for my financial survival. Yet I know that she tells other people things about me that are untrue. How do I know? My friend Sophronia told me. Sophrie did NOT wish to hurt me. She wanted me to be aware of the poison that was being spread. After all as Sophrie said, "It's easier to face an enemy that you can see." How right she is.
How simple it would be to succumb to the darkness that filled my soul in those three hellish years that I lived. How easy it would be to believe that I am worthless, powerless, and invisible. The good news is that I have NEVER given in to those thoughts. I am a female warrior, a SHERO, powerful and determined.
The two beautiful sons, Eric and Jamie, that are Blake's, that I help him raise remind me that they need the example from me of not letting life's circumstances determine your character. It will NOT be what I SAY, but what I DO that will impact their precious lives in the future.
I write these words to remind myself of the vow I have made with myself. I will be strong. I will be invincible. I will be better today than I was yesterday. I am a SHERO...a powerful woman who will rise above the darkness of life's sorrows!
Sunshine shines brightly. My window is clear and clean. My shop is empty.
I sew a dress for a woman who has everything that she needs, and everything that she wants. Her name is Lucille Bond. She would love nothing better than to discredit me, to spread evil gossip about me that would drive me from Calkington.
I sometimes feel dissatisfied by the life I live. I am in love with Blake Calkin who is still in love with his first and second wives. He has vowed to never again marry. That leaves me in love with a man who will never return my love in the same way.
I know that I am grateful because I have been released from slavery. Yet sometimes the evil of those three years in Madame LeRouge's grabs me in the nighttime. It tortures me with nightmares at the time that I am most vulnerable to attack.
This customer that I sew for is toxic to me. I depend on her patronage for my financial survival. Yet I know that she tells other people things about me that are untrue. How do I know? My friend Sophronia told me. Sophrie did NOT wish to hurt me. She wanted me to be aware of the poison that was being spread. After all as Sophrie said, "It's easier to face an enemy that you can see." How right she is.
How simple it would be to succumb to the darkness that filled my soul in those three hellish years that I lived. How easy it would be to believe that I am worthless, powerless, and invisible. The good news is that I have NEVER given in to those thoughts. I am a female warrior, a SHERO, powerful and determined.
The two beautiful sons, Eric and Jamie, that are Blake's, that I help him raise remind me that they need the example from me of not letting life's circumstances determine your character. It will NOT be what I SAY, but what I DO that will impact their precious lives in the future.
I write these words to remind myself of the vow I have made with myself. I will be strong. I will be invincible. I will be better today than I was yesterday. I am a SHERO...a powerful woman who will rise above the darkness of life's sorrows!
Human Trafficking In America, in the World
Celeste, Women of the Drifting Anchor Ranch, is my second novel. As I wrote it I broke the cardinal rule of writing, "Write what you know." I mean I didn't know much of anything about human trafficking. I knew next to nothing about growing up in France, and as a person who has never tasted wine (I DO love homemade grape juice that is NOT fermented) I found myself writing about a French girl who immigrates to America. Her Father is the fourth generation of vintners in his family. They are coming to America to establish his brand. Her entire family dies and she is left not knowing the language, arriving in an unknown place, (Astoria, Oregon), and winding up in sexual slavery.
I put the disturbing beginning away for a week. I didn't want to write about such a horrendous subject! Then I saw a documentary that grabbed my heart. "Sexual slavery is at an all time high in the world." Later I discovered that it is also prevalent here in America. Many sexual slavers target disabled American's that are cognitively, or physically challenged, but have the body of an adult, this makes them easy prey.
So today I have spent two hours looking for information about non-profit organizations that someone trapped in this insidious practice could look too for help. I haven't eaten a bite, I sit at my computer horribly enthralled by the widespread evil. Yet I am also touched, and enlivened by the sheer number of organizations doing their level best to end this pernicious practice.
If you have small children, or children with cognitive impairment, or physical impairment, do NOT leave them alone. EVER! Either arrange for them to be with a large group of children, or have them where you can see them every minute. There are literally slavers that troll the streets of America, yes even the small towns, looking for a child that can be grabbed quickly, both girls, AND boys!
Teach your children STRANGER DANGER! Help them learn how to help themselves if they are ever in a dangerous situation. Teach them self-defense. If a child proves difficult a slaver may leave them alone.
Do not allow your children access to a computer in a private place. Monitor their computer activity. Children are small humans that have not yet fully developed brains. Those brains don't fully develop until their early 20's. So make certain that they don't get themselves into situations that they can't get out of. One story I read was about a 13 year old girl who met someone in a "Chat Room." She finally made an appointment to meet and have dinner. She spent over three years in sexual slavery being treated worse than a dog before she was able to escape.
I AM GOING TO TYPE ALL OF THIS NEXT PARAGRAPH IN CAPS BECAUSE IT'S SO IMPORTANT! DO NOT....I REPEAT....DO NOT MAKE THE MISTAKE OF THINKING THIS COULD NEVER HAPPEN TO ME OR MY FAMILY! IT COULD....IT HAPPENS TO FAMILIES ALL OVER OUR COUNTRY!
Please do not spend your days in fear of things that could happen. Yet it helps to alleviate fear when you are prepared for the possibility of negative situations. So DO educate yourself, your spouse, or partner, and especially your precious children!
I put the disturbing beginning away for a week. I didn't want to write about such a horrendous subject! Then I saw a documentary that grabbed my heart. "Sexual slavery is at an all time high in the world." Later I discovered that it is also prevalent here in America. Many sexual slavers target disabled American's that are cognitively, or physically challenged, but have the body of an adult, this makes them easy prey.
So today I have spent two hours looking for information about non-profit organizations that someone trapped in this insidious practice could look too for help. I haven't eaten a bite, I sit at my computer horribly enthralled by the widespread evil. Yet I am also touched, and enlivened by the sheer number of organizations doing their level best to end this pernicious practice.
If you have small children, or children with cognitive impairment, or physical impairment, do NOT leave them alone. EVER! Either arrange for them to be with a large group of children, or have them where you can see them every minute. There are literally slavers that troll the streets of America, yes even the small towns, looking for a child that can be grabbed quickly, both girls, AND boys!
Teach your children STRANGER DANGER! Help them learn how to help themselves if they are ever in a dangerous situation. Teach them self-defense. If a child proves difficult a slaver may leave them alone.
Do not allow your children access to a computer in a private place. Monitor their computer activity. Children are small humans that have not yet fully developed brains. Those brains don't fully develop until their early 20's. So make certain that they don't get themselves into situations that they can't get out of. One story I read was about a 13 year old girl who met someone in a "Chat Room." She finally made an appointment to meet and have dinner. She spent over three years in sexual slavery being treated worse than a dog before she was able to escape.
I AM GOING TO TYPE ALL OF THIS NEXT PARAGRAPH IN CAPS BECAUSE IT'S SO IMPORTANT! DO NOT....I REPEAT....DO NOT MAKE THE MISTAKE OF THINKING THIS COULD NEVER HAPPEN TO ME OR MY FAMILY! IT COULD....IT HAPPENS TO FAMILIES ALL OVER OUR COUNTRY!
Please do not spend your days in fear of things that could happen. Yet it helps to alleviate fear when you are prepared for the possibility of negative situations. So DO educate yourself, your spouse, or partner, and especially your precious children!
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
Celeste's Journal
I decided that I would publish some of Celeste's journal during the fourteen years that they court. My blog is intended to build interest in the book as it will soon be published on Lulu.com for book or Nook format, and Amazon.com for Kindle format.
I am planning on publishing at the end of April. In the meantime, I hope you will enjoy learning more of Celeste's life before her book.
I will also be holding a sale on my current novel "Beth, Women of the Drifting Anchor Ranch." So, watch for the debut of the newest novel "Celeste, Women of the Drifting Anchor Ranch."
I am planning on publishing at the end of April. In the meantime, I hope you will enjoy learning more of Celeste's life before her book.
I will also be holding a sale on my current novel "Beth, Women of the Drifting Anchor Ranch." So, watch for the debut of the newest novel "Celeste, Women of the Drifting Anchor Ranch."
Celeste's Journal
June 16, 1868
Eric, Blake, and I went on a picnic today. The high hillside on the ranch was our destination.
Red stayed home with a napping Jamie. I have a hard time leaving the babe. He changes every hour it seems. I love him as intently as though he was my child, my very own, born through love's labor.
Eric is a sober petit chere. He asks such BIG questions for a SMALL boy. Yesterday he asked, "Maman where are my other two Mama's? Papa says they are in Heaven with God. What do they do in Heaven? Doesn't God know Jamie and I miss them? Why did he take them?"
I was happy when Red called us to lunch. I had no idea how to answer him. I've had the same questions myself. I'm almost twenty, and he's just a bit over four years.
I'm so in love with Blake! I long to speak the sacred words out loud, jetaime mon amour. I'm certain that my feelings are obvious to all. I hope that Blake can't see my love for him.
Blake still grieves heavily for his two lost wives. The load of that grief must threaten to crush him. Still he prays, reads from the Bible, and goes to church.
My burden of pain and grief is also heavy beyond endurance. My entire family was sent to the ocean's depths leaving me alone in a brutal, cruel, world. I am doing my best to keep living. My parents would expect that of me. Yet I blame God. I do NOT pray, do NOT read the Bible, do NOT attend church. My grief is directed at God who I once believed was loving, and merciful. I am moving forward into the future better than Blake.
Back to the picnic. Blake and I sat on a blanket savoring a French picnic with baguettes that I made. We had cheese, no Brie because no one here knows how to make it. Blake drank red wine. I sipped a smoothly dry white.
Eric dashed about around us. He jumped up and down with excitement when he found a bird's next low lying in a tree. He was sad to discover it empty of bird life.
He went a short way around a corner. Blake got up to go bring him back. We both heard Eric shout. Then, the odor was beyond description. It was strong and bitter. I could taste an oily taste that almost made me retch.
Blake ran to Eric and I was right behind. Eric had discovered a Mama skunk and her babies. When he picked up one of the babies the Mama turned and sprayed him.
The hike home was miserable. Blake carried Eric but all of us smelled. There are many bad smells on earth. I smelled most of them at Madame LeRouge's. Those were human skunks. The men spread their stench to every one of us in that evil place.
The skun was defending her young. What she did was to protect her babies.
Eric, Blake, and I bathed in tomato juice, vinegar, and then bubble bath. We scrubbed, and scrubbed until our skin was raw. Still we were horribly smelly. The only merciful part was that after awhile none of us could smell any more.
Red took Jamie and retreated to the small cabin a couple of miles away. Blake built that cabin as a getaway for he and Ardis. It's lovely, next to a lake. It's about three miles from the ranch house.
I'm ready for bed. I will not open my shop or sew for the next few days until the stink lessens. I need the money but if anyone smelled me now they would NEVER come to my shop again.
I didn't have a chance to spring clean this year. I will use the time to catch up.
Eric, Blake, and I went on a picnic today. The high hillside on the ranch was our destination.
Red stayed home with a napping Jamie. I have a hard time leaving the babe. He changes every hour it seems. I love him as intently as though he was my child, my very own, born through love's labor.
Eric is a sober petit chere. He asks such BIG questions for a SMALL boy. Yesterday he asked, "Maman where are my other two Mama's? Papa says they are in Heaven with God. What do they do in Heaven? Doesn't God know Jamie and I miss them? Why did he take them?"
I was happy when Red called us to lunch. I had no idea how to answer him. I've had the same questions myself. I'm almost twenty, and he's just a bit over four years.
I'm so in love with Blake! I long to speak the sacred words out loud, jetaime mon amour. I'm certain that my feelings are obvious to all. I hope that Blake can't see my love for him.
Blake still grieves heavily for his two lost wives. The load of that grief must threaten to crush him. Still he prays, reads from the Bible, and goes to church.
My burden of pain and grief is also heavy beyond endurance. My entire family was sent to the ocean's depths leaving me alone in a brutal, cruel, world. I am doing my best to keep living. My parents would expect that of me. Yet I blame God. I do NOT pray, do NOT read the Bible, do NOT attend church. My grief is directed at God who I once believed was loving, and merciful. I am moving forward into the future better than Blake.
Back to the picnic. Blake and I sat on a blanket savoring a French picnic with baguettes that I made. We had cheese, no Brie because no one here knows how to make it. Blake drank red wine. I sipped a smoothly dry white.
Eric dashed about around us. He jumped up and down with excitement when he found a bird's next low lying in a tree. He was sad to discover it empty of bird life.
He went a short way around a corner. Blake got up to go bring him back. We both heard Eric shout. Then, the odor was beyond description. It was strong and bitter. I could taste an oily taste that almost made me retch.
Blake ran to Eric and I was right behind. Eric had discovered a Mama skunk and her babies. When he picked up one of the babies the Mama turned and sprayed him.
The hike home was miserable. Blake carried Eric but all of us smelled. There are many bad smells on earth. I smelled most of them at Madame LeRouge's. Those were human skunks. The men spread their stench to every one of us in that evil place.
The skun was defending her young. What she did was to protect her babies.
Eric, Blake, and I bathed in tomato juice, vinegar, and then bubble bath. We scrubbed, and scrubbed until our skin was raw. Still we were horribly smelly. The only merciful part was that after awhile none of us could smell any more.
Red took Jamie and retreated to the small cabin a couple of miles away. Blake built that cabin as a getaway for he and Ardis. It's lovely, next to a lake. It's about three miles from the ranch house.
I'm ready for bed. I will not open my shop or sew for the next few days until the stink lessens. I need the money but if anyone smelled me now they would NEVER come to my shop again.
I didn't have a chance to spring clean this year. I will use the time to catch up.
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