The candles on the Christmas tree were magical tonight. It is Christmas Eve. I can not believe how quickly this last year has come and gone. As always I feel nostalgic on this night. In our family it was so wonderful. There were years when we had very little of material possessions. It was the love that we shared, the faith of my parents that brought a warmth I will remember always.
Blake and I shared the ritual of putting the boys to bed. Blake reads a story. I tell a story, (I'm still not very good at reading English), and then we sing two songs that they choose. They go to sleep wrapped up in our love.
After the boys were thoroughly tucked in to their beds, Blake took me by the hand and led me downstairs. When we were putting the boys to bed he had put the fires out of the candles. He NEVER would leave them burning unattended. He lit them again now.
We sat in his oh so comfortable settee in front of the fireplace. I love snuggling close to Blake. He feels so strong, so powerful, I treasure those moments. I feel protected, beloved, and in the times when I am away from this family I cling to those memories.
I thought maybe, just maybe, this would be the time that Blake would finally propose. It has been several years since I ran away from Madame LeRouge. Jamie is almost five years old. Eric is in school. He loves school, and always gets wonderful grades for all of his topics. Eric brings home work that he doesn't need to do but loves to do. Miss Cready raves and rants about this marvelous boy. She believes that he will someday do miraculous things for our world.
I KNOW that both of these boys, MY boys, have infinite potential. I am grateful every single day for their presence in my life.
At first when I lived in town in my charming shop, I would worry about what people would think about my staying at the ranch with two men. Then I realized that no matter what I did, those people relished thinking the worst about me. I have given up caring about the opinions of these narrow minded judgmental people. (Well most of the time anyway).
Snuggling so close with Blake I felt passions beginning to rise. I did my best to squash them down. I will never again experience intimacy without marriage. My lack of celibacy was forced upon me. It will not happen again. I do NOT believe in that form of love before marriage. A child should be blessed to come into a loving family, not some single woman who has a most uncertain future! Ah, wishful thinking, the good doctor told me, after Angel was born, that I could never again bear a child.
Blake and I kissed for a few moments. He took my face in his hands and said, "Celeste, I am grateful every day that we found each other. You are the best Mother these boys could have." Then he stopped, cold. A distant look came on his face. He stood and said, "Well it's been a lovely day but we'd best get the presents out, and prepare for the morning, don't you think?"
I wish that Blake would get rid of that iron wall he hides behind. I know that telling me 'I'm the BEST Mother the boys could have,' reminded him of the two women that he lost that WERE the children's 'Best Mother.'"
We gathered the toys from Blake's hiding places. We placed them carefully on the comfortable settee in the great room. Next we filled beautiful velvety socks with apples, walnuts, an orange for each boy, and some ribbon candy. I love the beauty of this unique candy even better than the taste.
I'm weary. I have sewn like mad this last week. I had so many orders to fill. Finally, with my protests Blake hired Sophronia Evans to come and help me. She is an amazing seamstress. She's also remarkably pregnant. Bless her heart, she can barely waddle. I remember what it was like to carry a child, my Angel. I will always treasure those memories, until we can find her. I will never give up trying to find her!
It's after two in the morning. I know the boys will be awake earlier than early. Their minds will be filled with the possibilities that Christmas Morning brings. I've already tried to sleep. I must admit, my mind may also be filled with wondrous possibilities. Could Blake have a ring under the tree? Could this be the time, the day, when he stops living in the past and wishes to love me in the present?
****(This is a note from the author of the Drifting Anchor Series). You may notice that Celeste says she can't read English very well. You also must imagine that her journal is actually written in her Native French. Since I don't speak French beyond a casual Merci Beaucoup, I include this note only as an explanation how she can write in English when she can't read it.
