I have not written in here very much lately. Wintry gray has begun erasing all of autumn's glory. I'm grateful that it does not snow very much here in Oregon. Cold weather has never been my friend. My mood tends to follow the seasons.
In Autumn the brilliant colors fill my soul with buoyant joy. There are mostly evergreen trees here but every once in awhile a brilliant fire maple will peek out from among the more sedate greenery. There is a road near Blake's ranch that is lined with golden leaves on both sides. I walked it every single day before winter set in.
Spring is all about renewal...plants wake up, green creeps through the winter gray and silver. I love getting in the garden and planting seeds, then watching the crops grow. Summer? Summer brings sweeping landscapes of every kind of new plant and flower.
That brings me to the one season that I don't enjoy very much. Oh I like Thanksgiving, and then the Christmas Season. It's January through half of March that I could live without. This ceaseless rain feels as though it's pounding a drum against my head. All of my sorrow seems to eclipse any joy that might leak through.
Sigh, I had to force myself to write in here tonight. There is icy rain beating against Blake's two room ranch house. Instead of feeling cozy and comfy lying here in this warm bed, I feel a chill run down my spine. The chill is due to all the death I have witnessed in the last few years. First it was my parents. I still think that it was cruel that they died...and left me behind alone. Well, not quite alone because then I had Tom, my husband, and his family. Now they are gone as well?
I wonder if Tom is on some horrifying battle field not only fighting the cold, but the Confederates as well? Does he wonder about me as he shoots and defends himself, and our country? Why doesn't he write me a letter? Is he dead, wounded, left behind anonymously?
I have heard that some soldiers get tattooed with their name, and their military information. I have never cared for the gaudiness of tattoos. It doesn't seem like those that choose to pollute their bodies in this fashion can be truly refined. I've changed my mind after reading the headlines about this dreadful war. These designating tattoos help wives and families to be notified when a soldier dies.
I think worse than death would be for Tom to wind up in a Confederate prisoner of war camp. Horror stories have leaked into the newspapers about them as well. I don't think the Union has better detainment facilities. Just because our Union ideals are positive it does not mean that we can treat our enemies in a more positive manner than they treat us. That is the very nature of war, to kill or be killed.
Usually when I write in my journal it helps me to sort out twisted thoughts. It isn't working tonight. I just feel more twisted than ever. I'm going to attempt to get some sleep.
Wednesday, August 15, 2018
Wednesday, August 1, 2018
Ardis Journal - Today I Choose Happiness
This morning I was awakened by jolting upright in my bed. The dream that I had was very real. I was home again...home with mama and papa in Tennessee. Mother was reminding me that happiness was a choice. Both of my parents were positive examples of looking for the best in life. Even when they were laid low by the disease that took their lives, they still laughed, and found ways to help me prepare for being alone.
I have been laid low by so much of death and loss. I do fine most days. There are just some days that come along where the grief swirls me about as though I am caught in a tornado. I saw a whirlwind once. It was random. It completely destroyed our neighbors barn, and drove pieces of straw into the logs of their home. Somehow it did no further damage to their log home than those straws driven in along one side.
I asked Red how he handled his grief over the death of his beloved wife Ruth, and his sunshiny darling, his daughter Angela. He explained that as a man he feels that he must suppress those emotions when he is around others. He also explained that his grief had driven him to drink as a way to escape his pain. The problem was that then he had two big problems, grief, and drinking to take the bitter edge off the grief.
I know that is not a solution for me. Losing our baby...it was still just a dream. It had not yet seemed quite real this new human forming inside my body. I was excited to think that Tom and I could create something positive together.
I now feel like I should never have married Tom. I did not love him the way that I witnessed his father and mother loving. I will never forget Tom's father Aidan risking his life, and then losing his life trying desperately to rescue his wife Fiona. I gain a tiny bit of comfort from my knowledge that they are together in heaven. I just wish they were here with me instead.
Brother Billy. How I adored that wonderful young boy. He made me feel important, loved. He was every bit as handsome as Tom. I have no doubt that he would have grown into a marvelous loving man. Why couldn't I save him? He and I were riding together on the same horse. I tried over and over to find him in the rushing, roaring river but I couldn't. His illness had already made him weak. The near drowning finished taking away any strength that he had left.
Where does all of this leave me? Anger helps drive away the feelings of isolation and loneliness. I'm angry at Tom because he sold my parents home and land without even consulting me. I'm angry at J.P. Fowler for causing such vicious harm to so many people.
I started this journal post with my beloved mother's tender, melodic voice in my head. "Today I choose happiness." It would be far easier to let the rage, the vengeance that I long for take the forefront of my life. In doing so I would be dishonoring the two greatest parents the world has ever created. SIGH....trying to put all the negative emotions aside and choosing happiness takes a vital amount of energy. Yet, usually when I work to focus on the good instead of the bad, I'm amazed to remember all the good that still exists.
An example? I was left completely alone in a place with no home. All of my life savings is gone. Yet Blake Calkin and Red O'Toole have given me home and family, much to their inconvenience. I CAN be happy, even if it is through darn hard work! I CAN and I WILL!
Mother also said, "Don't give UP, give IN, or give WAY!" She then added, "Do give LOVE, give JOY, give HAPPINESS." Thanks mama and papa. Today I will do my best to remember your excellent advice!
I have been laid low by so much of death and loss. I do fine most days. There are just some days that come along where the grief swirls me about as though I am caught in a tornado. I saw a whirlwind once. It was random. It completely destroyed our neighbors barn, and drove pieces of straw into the logs of their home. Somehow it did no further damage to their log home than those straws driven in along one side.
I asked Red how he handled his grief over the death of his beloved wife Ruth, and his sunshiny darling, his daughter Angela. He explained that as a man he feels that he must suppress those emotions when he is around others. He also explained that his grief had driven him to drink as a way to escape his pain. The problem was that then he had two big problems, grief, and drinking to take the bitter edge off the grief.
I know that is not a solution for me. Losing our baby...it was still just a dream. It had not yet seemed quite real this new human forming inside my body. I was excited to think that Tom and I could create something positive together.
I now feel like I should never have married Tom. I did not love him the way that I witnessed his father and mother loving. I will never forget Tom's father Aidan risking his life, and then losing his life trying desperately to rescue his wife Fiona. I gain a tiny bit of comfort from my knowledge that they are together in heaven. I just wish they were here with me instead.
Brother Billy. How I adored that wonderful young boy. He made me feel important, loved. He was every bit as handsome as Tom. I have no doubt that he would have grown into a marvelous loving man. Why couldn't I save him? He and I were riding together on the same horse. I tried over and over to find him in the rushing, roaring river but I couldn't. His illness had already made him weak. The near drowning finished taking away any strength that he had left.
Where does all of this leave me? Anger helps drive away the feelings of isolation and loneliness. I'm angry at Tom because he sold my parents home and land without even consulting me. I'm angry at J.P. Fowler for causing such vicious harm to so many people.
I started this journal post with my beloved mother's tender, melodic voice in my head. "Today I choose happiness." It would be far easier to let the rage, the vengeance that I long for take the forefront of my life. In doing so I would be dishonoring the two greatest parents the world has ever created. SIGH....trying to put all the negative emotions aside and choosing happiness takes a vital amount of energy. Yet, usually when I work to focus on the good instead of the bad, I'm amazed to remember all the good that still exists.
An example? I was left completely alone in a place with no home. All of my life savings is gone. Yet Blake Calkin and Red O'Toole have given me home and family, much to their inconvenience. I CAN be happy, even if it is through darn hard work! I CAN and I WILL!
Mother also said, "Don't give UP, give IN, or give WAY!" She then added, "Do give LOVE, give JOY, give HAPPINESS." Thanks mama and papa. Today I will do my best to remember your excellent advice!
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