The Christmas of Crying

The morning was perfect!  Little Jamie and his wide-eyed wonder as he opened presents.  We had to help him open his gifts.  His small fingers are not quite able to tug at paper and string.  Jamie is growing up, so quickly.  It seems from hour to hour he changes and grows.

 Eric is such a darling boy.  There was only three presents for each boy.  Red, Blake, and I are not  financially blessed at this time.  I made Eric a warm plaid flannel nightshirt with his initials monogrammed on the top in a masculine block lettering. (He opened that last night).  I also made him two new pairs of pants. Two shirts, and a suit coat.  I think he was more excited about the string tie I also made him than the rest.   He grows out of his clothes so rapidly right now.  I swear that he's grown a foot since last Christmas.  (OK, maybe not actually twelve inches.  I do take after my Mother in my exaggerations of life).  After Eric opened the present from me (I wrapped all of the clothes together) he ran to me and threw his chubby arms around my neck.  "I wuv you Maman!  Will you be my Maman forever, and never ever leave?" 

Considering that Eric has lost two Mother's and he's not quite ten yet it's a valid question.  I pulled him into me, his warm cuddly little body warming, touching my heart.  I kissed him on the cheek and said, "Eric, I will never, ever leave you!"

Out of the corner of my eye I saw Blake get THE LOOK.  You may ask, "What is THE LOOK?"  I'll tell you.  The Look is a facial stillness.  Blake's eyes grow more open and he bats his eyes...faster, and faster.  Then two spots, one on each cheek reddens.  When he's especially upset his entire face colors to crimson.

The crimson this time moved so rapidly that I was nervous.  Yet Blake said nothing.  We continued opening and admiring our presents. 

When we were finished Red had the boys come into the kitchen to help him finish making breakfast. I think he had also seen The Look.   Alone with Blake and The Look, I tried not to look at him.  I began gathering up the wrappings, and general clutter around the Christmas tree.

Blake took me by the arm.  He led me to the settee.  "Celeste, I know that you meant well but you simply can not make such a foolish promise to Eric!"

"Foolish Blake?"  Now my temper began to rise.  My Maman fought lots and lots with her hot temper that matched her fiery red hair.  I have the same battle.  I struggled at that moment to control it.  "I do not consider a promise to a child that I will always be with him, foolish!  I will do everything in my power to keep that promise!"

A single tear ran down Blake's cheek.  "Celeste, if anyone knows what it's like to not be able to keep such a promise it should be you!  Did your parents have any 'power' to keep their promises to you?"

Celeste began to cry.  "Blake, I know that you can't keep a promise to a child that you will always be able to care for them.  Yet did you see the security come into that boy's eyes thinking that I will always watch over him?  For that precious moment he felt secure, safe, protected.  If the time comes that I have to leave, and can't keep my promise...well I will face that and deal with it then.  Blake in doing your best to face the worst situations before they happen you're robbing today of its joy!"

Blake was silent, head down. 

I continued gathering the debris that remained from the joyous Christmas morning. 

I was startled when Blake pulled me into a rough, passionate embrace.  "Celeste, you are so wise.  How are you so wise when you are still so young?"

I opened my mouth to speak and Blake claimed my lips.  The kiss was dynamite.  I actually felt an explosion of emotion rush through her.  Pulling Blake closer I returned passion for passion.  Then Blake surprised mte.  He went from intense passion to gentleness, tenderness.

When Blake pulled back I felt like someone had removed the oxygen from the room.  I fear that for a brief moment I looked like a guppy opening and closing my mouth slowly.

"Celeste, make me the same promise that you made Eric.  Please promise me that you will never leave me, or Red, Eric, and Jamie.  Promise that you will stay.  Promise!"

I threw my arms around Blake and began to kiss him.  He returned my kiss with the same passion.  "Blake, I will marry you.  I will!"

Then the air seemed to change.  A sharp shock of awkwardness filled the room.  I pulled away from Blake.  I realized with a sick, sinking feeling in my stomach that Blake did not mean he wanted me to marry him.  He just wanted me to stick around in the same situation we have now.  I felt like such a fool.

So I rushed to say,   "Well, I guess that I'd better go home.  I have lots of things to sew before New Year's Eve.  Have a Merry Christmas Blake.  Oh and I won't be at the party tonight."  (Every Christmas Blake and Red have an enormous Christmas party.  They invite all of the workers and everyone from town).

I felt escape necessary.  I could feel the tears building up behind my eyes.  I wouldn't shed them, couldn't shed them.  Not here, not now.  I pushed Blake's restraining arms away.  "I must be going."

"Wait Cely.  What do I tell the children?  We should talk about this!" 

"Tell Eric and Jamie that their Mommy loves them and will see them on Sunday after church."

"You did promise Eric to never leave."

"I won't leave.  I'm at my shop if Eric or Jamie need me."

"What if I need you Celeste?"

I shook my head and sighed enormously.  "Blake, I love you.  On the other hand, I just embarrassed myself enormously.  Please be kind and let me make my escape, quickly."

Blake leaned forward to hold me.  I picked my skirts up and ran.  When I got to the stables I pulled out my trusty old horse.  I didn't even bother with saddle or bridle.  Red has been teaching me how to ride a horse better.  Since we only had an ancient, enormous plowhorse when I was small riding a younger horse with ideas of his own had challenged me.  Today I didn't care.  I couldn't be patient long enough to saddle and bridle.  I pulled my horse to a box on the floor.  I clambered up on the box and then jumped on.

In minutes we were riding, galloping, with me lying low over the horses neck.  I still kept those annoying tears of embarrassment and sorrow tucked away.  I would not ride into town with a blotchy face, and extremely red nose from crying...I WON'T!

Home finally, I brushed my horse.  I put a blanket on his back, and gave him a feedbag.

I went into my home, my business, my sanctuary.  I closed and locked the door behind me.  Next I climbed the stairs.  Reaching my bed I flung myself down...and then allowed myself the release of tears.  I cried until I fell into a restless, dream filled sleep. 

I will overcome my embarrassment tomorrow.  I'll return to the boys, and to Red.  I will back away from Blake.  I MUST back away from Blake.