It's snowing, large lovely patterns of intricate ice and snow. I'm sewing in front of the large window of my shop. Or, I was sewing until I decided to write in my journal for awhile. Not much happened this last week. I've been working on preparing for Christmas...which is now just a few weeks away.
I didn't see Blake all week last week. That meant I also didn't see Red, Jamie, or Eric either. It was so sad for me. I tried to convince myself that it was a good thing, so I could work on my presents for all of them without worrying that they would see those presents before Christmas. I still missed them....SO MUCH!
Yesterday after church Blake, Red, Jamie, and Eric all trooped into my shop. I had hoped that they would still come for a Sunday meal after church. I was so happy that they did! I had cooked roast beef, with potatoes in their jackets, and carrots all simmering in the lovely beef broth. I had also made soft, fluffy rolls. They were so fluffy I giggled as I made them imagining them being so fluffy that you had to hold them down to keep them from floating away into the atmosphere, or at least up at my ceiling.
I was so glad to see each and every one of them. It really hit my heart that these men...these four men, (actually two men, two children who will become men) ARE my family! For so long I felt completely alone in this great big, wide world.
At Madame's I did make some friends. It was hard to make friends in such an evil place. It felt like we were all alienated by the reality of our enforced slavery.
After we ate, (oh did I mention the amazing chocolate cake I made by Red's luscious recipe), we were all very sleepy. I put Jamie, and Eric to nap on my bed upstairs. Then Blake, Red and I played a game of gin rummy. I'm pretty good at gin rummy. Blake and Red are also good at gin rummy. So, the game involved lots of strategy, and lots of stretching my mind to play competitively. I was absolutely delighted when I won! Red and Blake made a lot of masculine noise about how they 'let me win.' I hooted over the very idea!
I had not noticed that Blake had brought his guitar into the shop. (I was too busy hugging the boys, and Red when Blake brought it in). Blake played and all of us sang. Songs of love, songs of heart break, songs of silliness. I love to sing with Red and Blake. Red has a superb Irish Tenor voice. His voice is so sweet it gives me goosebumps. Blake's voice is a deep Baritone. He also gives me goosebumps when he sings but in a very different way. The goosebumps from Blake's voice include goosebumps for the way I feel about him. I'm in love and I will not deny it to myself.
All too soon Blake and Red gathered Jamie and Eric from their naps. I said, "Wrap them up warmly Red, Blake." Then I said, "I'm sorry, I don't mean to sound bossy. I just love them so much."
Red hugged me and said, "Don't you worry Celeste. We appreciate the feminine love and Mothering that you give them." He made me feel appreciated. I was so grateful for his positive affirmation.
Blake leaned down and kissed me ever so softly, so gently. Lifting me up (He is six foot four. Since I'm just about five foot three inches, he has to lift me to look eye to eye, or we have to sit down). He said as gently as the kiss had been, "We welcome advice from you for your boys Celeste.'" 'Your boys,' he said they were mine! I hugged him hard, and we walked out into the brisk early winters eve.
Red climbed into the wagon first. I handed Jamie up to him. Then Blake climbed into the wagon and I handed Eric up to him. Eric has gotten so big that he was almost too heavy for me. The boys are growing up far too quickly for my liking!
Now I'm back in the present. The snowflakes have gotten smaller but now they are being swirled in the brisk wind. I'm grateful that I don't have to go out in the cold and wet today. I have built a fire in my fireplace and it's joyously cozy here in my shop and home. The only thing that would be better is if I was at the ranch with the family I love. Sigh...I'm going to focus on the blessings of having a lovely shop and home, and not on the things I wish were in my world.
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