Celeste's Journal

Jamie is getting so big.  He's almost too big for me to carry.  I WILL keep carrying him for as long as I can.  I will never again have the chance to raise a baby.  It's hard for me to fight the bitterness that fills my soul when I think again of all the precious things that Madame cheated me out of.  I do my best to NOT let my thoughts become bitter.  My Maman always said that bitterness does not hurt those that we feel that way about.  Instead it corrodes OUR souls and makes US miserable.

Jamie...with that brilliant grin, dimples, intense brown eyes, and straight, thick black hair.  He will drive young women wild someday.  I hope that Blake and I can nurture in him the qualities that make a man great.  Qualities like Blake and Red have.  Qualities like my Papa and Brother had.

I put Jamie down for his nap.  I stood there over the crib that Blake put in my room for Jamie.  Jamie was singing, and playing with his toes.  He's at the stage where he is endlessly fascinated by his own body.  His toes seem to be the best toy of all right now.  I try to keep shoes on his chubby little feet.  It is a losing battle.  I'm not certain how he manages to untie the shoelaces that I double bow but untie them he does, and hides them.  He knows that I hate looking for them so he will have a little while unfettered by shoes.  The little scamp.  I fear that he will cause Blake and I grief when he reaches his teen years!

Blake, Eric, and Red went fishing today.  I was invited but I have so much sewing to do that I can't afford to take even the time off.  I don't get as much done with Jamie here, but having him here is such a delight to me. 

I know when he awakens from a nap.  I hear his sweet voice chattering.  Sometimes he sings songs to himself.  When I go in to pick him up from his nap he smiles that earth shattering grin at me.  I pull him out of his crib and hug him tight.  How I adore that feeling of little boyness, his heart close to mine.

I am very excited because I get to keep Jamie over night tonight.  Red, Eric, and Blake are camping out in the woods.  I hate being alone.  It IS far better than being with other people at Madame's.  Yet I long to have a family again.  Having Jamie here helps me to feel like I DO have a family.  I'm grateful that Blake will let me be an important person to his boys.

Well I can hear Jamie singing so I'd better quit writing.  I know that he will want his diaper changed, and something to snack on.