So many things to be grateful for in this New Year. I can't believe that once again an old year has gone to it's rest, and a New Year has given me the chance to start over! We are given so many new chances in this life. For example every day is a renewal opportunity, every week, month, year, each of those bring the chance to change our choices.
I've made a resolution this year to love those boys, those Calkin boys, like I am their Mother. They truly are my children in my heart. If Blake never marries me, at least I have the joy and love of mothering those dear, dear, boys.
Last week there was a small knock at the door. I opened it and there was Eric. He had gotten permission to walk to town and visit me. I was astonished. He's still so young to walk so far. He also had permission to stay overnight with me. Red is coming to pick him up tomorrow.
I could not have had a surprise that excited me more. I cooked for my boy, we played checkers in front of a roaring fireplace, I told him stories about France. Then I tucked him into my bed and I slept in a bedroll on the floor.
He protested having me sleep on the floor and him in the bed. I told him that the bedroll was really comfortable. He said, "Then you won't mind that I'm sleeping on it." He refused to get in the bed sweet boy. Then he said words that I will cling to my heart forever. "No Mother of mine will EVER sleep on the floor when I sleep in a bed!"
Ferociously, this boy of ours, Blake and mine, correction, Ardis, Sarah, Blake, and mine protects and watches over me. How I love him. I tucked him in with French lullabies his Grandma used to sing to me. Then I sat for a while just looking at the handsome young boy so quickly becoming a handsome young man. I prayed for him. Prayed that God would grant him protection in life. I wish him to be protected from the hardest things that life can hand him.
Then as I dressed for bed and climbed in I realized that those very "Hard things," in life had the power to make him stronger, more empathetic, a better man. So I changed my prayer. This time I prayed that Eric would have the strength to bear life's hardest sorrows. That Blake, Red, and I would have the wisdom that we need to help him face whatever life gives him.
I still don't know that I believe that God listens to anything that I might tell him. After all, humans are like grains of sand at the ocean. There are so many of us. Why should a God who created all of the intensity of the universe care a bit about me and my little life? It doesn't feel like he cared about me or my family on the vastness of the ocean, or in Astoria.
I tell myself you will do anything that you can to make your son's life better. Even if you pray to a God that you don't really believe in. If God DOES care then he will help my son through life. I will NOT pray for myself but I will pray for Eric, for Jamie. I will do everything in my power to make their lives rich, warm, and safe!
I am tired and tomorrow will come far too quickly.
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