Discouragement

I am quite frankly discouraged.  I have been writing this blog for several years now.  I post recipes, knitting patterns, sewing patterns, things that were relevant to life in the Western United States of America from 1860 to 1890.  I can't seem to draw any readership.  For a while people got a little more interested, and then nothing...nada, nee, nine, neit...bupkis.  It's enough to make a writer quit.  Oh how I am tempted.  I think I'll go find a white flag, put it on my front door, and SURRENDER!

Why am I working so hard to find a readership?  The dishes stand tall in my sink, and on my counters because I would rather write than wash dishes.  I have felt that writing fulfills me, but why would I be fulfilled when I know that nobody is reading?  I should just wash those dishes and quit writing...STOP!

I have declared a full on "WHITE FLAG DAY!"  That means that I will not think that I can ever write to earn money.  I will resign myself to being a disabled woman climbing her way up the hill to old age.  I remember as a child hearing the phrase, "Over the hill," in reference to elderly people.  Personally I don't think old age is OVER any hill.  As I approach that nebulous part of life I find that it's the hardest, steepest climb that I have ever experienced, and I have done some powerful climbing in my life.

So...today, I fully disclose that I hurt, my lungs are on fire, and I wish to go back in time about 5 years ago.  My husband was alive, and I could get a hug, each and every time that I wanted or needed one.  He was a giant of a man, in every way possible.  His hugs were magical.  He didn't just hug me, he engulfed me with love.

After he died, I began writing as a way to feel a need to get out of bed in the morning.  Life felt so flat without him sharing it with me.  I don't know why I continue to try to write something that might lift someone else.  Today, I would just like to write something that would lift, me, myself and I upwards.  I need to inspire ME!  Yet even that seems impossible to find.

So, knowing that there WILL be better days ahead, I apologize for my ranting whine today.  SIGH...guess I'll go do the dishes!

In case you trip across this post sa you read my blog let me assure you that there HAVE been better days since then.  I still am not making a living with writing, but that is no reason to give up.  After all, as a disabled senior I'm not even making a LIVING...doing ANYTHING!

I vow never to give in, give out, or give up.  I WILL give love, give hope, and give laughter.  I may definitely have some "White Flag Days," ahead when I will surrender but it will only be temporary.  I will then stand my bulky self upright and keep putting one foot in front of the other, or possibly, rolling the wheels of my wheelchair forward!