July 30, 1890
Blake came and took me to Emma's for dinner tonight. He has started coming once a week to take me to Emma's. I told him that I would be happy to cook for us. He said that I need a chance to not cook once in awhile. I have to admit it's a lovely break.
The thing he doesn't seem to know is that I would be happy to split logs with him, or clean the barn with him. I would be happy to do anything as long as it was with him.
I hide this journal because I am so afraid that he will find it. I'm not ready to admit to him that I love him. I love him brighter than the sunshine, and longer than life. I am crazy head over heels in love with Blake Calkin. I'm grateful that I feel free to express my emotions somewhere. Even if that somewhere is in a book that I hide under my mattress.
I can only share my feelings with Sophronia Evans my dear, dear friend. I trust her with my life. I know that if I tell her something she will not share it with anyone else. I am grateful for her friendship. No one else here seems willing to overlook my past to be my friend in the present. I hope that Sophronia is never hurt by the awful things people say about me.
Eric and Jamie, what precious little boys they are. Jamie has begun to walk...no that's not quite right. He didn't really start to walk, he started to run, into everything. Then he began to climb.
Last week I was playing with Eric in the front room. I thought Jamie was with us. Then I heard a huge crash. It was followed by another, then another.
Deciding that the noise came from the kitchen I lifted my skirts and ran, in a very unladylike manner to the kitchen. Jamie stood on the counter with an enormous smile on his face. There were broken bottles of dried fruit, jerky, and sugar lying all about the floor. Jamie, monkeylike, had climbed the cupboard. Perching on one surface he pulled things off from above him.
I shook my head. The entire kitchen had been Red pristine, cleaned up neatly after breakfast. Red has gone to Astoria for a much needed vacation. Blake was working with his men cutting lumber to be sold.
It broke my heart but I gave Jamie a spanking. He simply had to understand that what he did was very dangerous to himself. When he cried I cried with him. Then I gave him a light lunch and put him to bed.
Because Jamie has learned to crawl out of his crib, and to open his door Blake put an ingenious device on the door that holds the door closed no matter how hard Jamie tries to get out. Jamie crawled out of the crib quickly, then tried to open the door. He began crying when he discovered that no matter how he pushed or twisted the door stayed firm.
I wanted to open the door and rock him but he must learn that limits are important to protect him. Sigh, sometimes being a parent is just plain hard work.
Through all of this Eric played in the front room. He is such a sweet, sober little man. I fixed him lunch. Then we sang some songs, and I read him a story. Soon he too was asleep. I dozed off in a chair while the two boys slept.
Jamie woke up screaming. That woke me up quickly. With my heart beating madly I raced up the stairs to his room. When I unlatched the door and opened it Jamie was smiling his enormous smile and holding his arms up. I would swear that as young as he is he knew that if he screamed I would come. Oh what a charmer this child will be. When he becomes a young man we will have our hands full teaching him NOT to break young women's hearts.
When Eric woke up I took both of them for a picnic. We went to the lovely field to the side of the ranch house. I brought peach lemonade (I was able to salvage a few dried peaches that Jamie had dropped.) We had cucumber sandwiches. We also had a little bit of brownie that Red made before he left.
While we sat in the open air eating I felt as though I was truly home at last. These boys are my sons. Never mind that I currently live apart from them. I am convinced that in time I will win Blake's heart and we will marry. Then we will joyously raise these boys together.
I am good at dreaming. What if Blake NEVER grows to love me enough to marry me? I refuse to even allow that thought entrance into my heart.
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