Ardis Journal

Rain is drumming on the ceiling over my head.  I'm ever so grateful to know that whatever Blake builds, he builds to outlast rain, snow, or wind.  Tonight the pounding is not soothing.  It just feels like the world is going backwards.  The Bible speaks about Noah and how wicked the people of his time were.  God washes away everybody but Noah, his family, and the creatures they take on the ark.  He gives those wicked folks many opportunities to repent, they won't listen.  I wonder right now, are we all as wicked here in this place that seems to be getting washed away?

Tonight I'm so tired and sad.  I remember strongly the final peace I felt when I was trapped in that creek.  I felt that death was close and I wasn't fighting any more.  I felt love, richer, fuller, than ever before.  It was a rude shock to be jerked back into living.

I believe that there is not an end to our essence, or spirit.  I have never doubted the existence of God, the Creator of heaven and earth and all that is in them.  I believe that he created this beautiful, harsh planet for us, his children, to live on, and learn from.

During the daytime I keep myself busy and push away these deeper philosophical thoughts and emotions.  It also helps me to sleep quicker and more deeply if I work hard.  I haven't been recording anything in this journal again for a long time.  I've tried on many nights.  I wind up tearing up the drab dreariness that falls off my pen onto the paper.

Blake Calkin is a very good man.  I worry, often, that people in the town will assume that he and I share more than a platonic friendship.  After all, so many men in this area have moved Indian women in with them.  They don't worry about the Christian ceremony of marriage.  Some of the men have more than one woman living with them, all of the women giving his children life.  Knowing these facts explains why some of these folks assume that is the situation with Blake and I.

I am eager for a white woman to move in somewhere close by.  I need to have a woman that I can share a place with. I hope that I can move away from this male dominated household. 

Blake is a wonderful, unselfish man.  He's well traveled, self-educated, and very thoughtful.  Nonetheless, writing this down makes me feel guilty.  After all, I have a husband, a man who deserves my loyalty, my allegiance. 

It is a very harsh thing to me is that I don't know if Tom is alive?  Sometimes I can't even remember what he looks like, except that he is considered very handsome.  To me, I miss a certain lack of imagination and mischief that never shows on that handsome face.  He is constant...and often I have found that very boring.  Now I'm feeling negative.  I'm going to try and sleep.