The air was cool and humid today as we climbed up the hill behind the ranch to chop down the Christmas tree. Blake insisted that we cut two. One for the ranch and one for me at my shop. I didn't tell him that I wished he would marry me and then we wouldn't need another tree for the shop. Sigh...I know that it will probably never happen but I can dream!
About halfway to the thickest area of Christmasey type trees it started to rain. This was not a liquid sunshine sort of gentle drizzle. This was a the sky opened up and dropped out a lake kind of rain. Seriously the rain was pounding so hard that it actually hurt me wherever it landed. The last part of the trip was miserable. Red and Blake picked up Jamie, and Eric because they were crying, and sliding back as much as they walked forward.
When we got almost to the trees both boys seemed to regain their excitement over chopping just the right Christmas tree down. Eric remembers his last Christmas. He has a terrific memory and he's almost three years older than Jamie. Jamie is just absolutely, completely, living in the moment. He claps his hands and giggles at so many, many things. Oh how deeply, completely, I love these young boys. I'm so grateful that they are a part of my life.
Red was grouchy. I was surprised because usually on the Christmas tree hunts (that's what Blake calls them), Red is pleasant, chatty, and sings Christmas songs from Ireland. This time he hardly spoke to anyone. He actually snapped at Blake when Blake asked him an honest question. That shocked me because Red is ALWAYS very respectful towards Blake.
When Blake and I were out of Red's hearing I said, "What is going on Blake? Why is Red grouchier than usual?" Blake frowned and said, "Red's sister, his only sibling died giving birth last week. The baby died as well."
"Oh poor Red!" I said softly, and sadly. "Does that mean that he hasn't any family left? I know his parents died, and then his wife and child, and now his only sibling? I know how much that hurts. Why isn't he at the ranch where he can mourn alone?"
Blake answered me slowly, He says that being alone he is just too anguished, too desperate in his grief. Red also said that we had been his family for several years now. He told me that we must take very good care of each other and the boys. We are the only family he has now."
I felt as though someone had shot an arrow directly into her heart. Blake's exclusion of me hurt deep into my heart. I also thought about the fact that Red, Blake, Jamie, and Eric were all the family that I had as well. I was deeply hurt that Red had not included me in his list of who were his family now. I pouted for a few minutes and then realized that this was about Red, not about my feelings of hurt. I needed to help comfort Red.
Walking ahead I put my arm through Red's. He turned towards me with the saddest, most confused look on his face. "Celeste, it's raining really hard isn't it?" I kissed Red on the cheek. "It certainly is. I think we'll need some of your powerful, warm you all the way through hot cocoa when we get back to the ranch."
I couldn't tell at first that Red was crying, with tears running down his face. The rain blended with his tears. "She's dead Celeste, Siobhan is gone, and she took her baby with her." "Siobhan your sister, Red? What happened?" Even though I already knew what had happened I thought it might help Red to work through his grief to explain it to me. Red took a deep deep breath and then said, "She was such a tiny thing, hardly bigger than a leprechaun. I was afraid for her giving birth when she was so tiny. She died, and the baby died as well." Great engulfing sobs of sorrow came from Red.
Pulling his head down to my shoulder, I rubbed his neck and shoulders. I then pulled him into a hug. "I know that you can't substitute one person for another. Still I do want you to remember that you still have a sister, and it's me! I love you Reese O'Tooele, and I want to help you any way that I can!"
Red hugged me tight, and we just stood there for a long moment sharing each others air, and feeling the love move between us. I really truly do love Red just as I loved my brother. Finally I stepped back and said, "Red you know that I lost my brothers and my entire family on that miserable ship coming to America. You have lost your sister. I will be your sister if you will be my brother."
Red hugged me again but this time it was quicker. Then he held out a hand to me, "So are you ready to climb up this hill or are we just going to stand here all day chewing the fat?" I smiled up at him and said, "Red, I believe that we have trees to conquer, is that right?" Red smiled, "Watch out trees we're coming to get you!"
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