Celeste's Journal

Sniffles, sneezes, and a deep cough have kept me from having any customers today.  I left the closed sign on the door, and added a, "Sorry but I'm sick," note to the bottom.  I still have sewed most of the day.  Somehow feeling sick makes me feel great longing for my dead family.

Today I was remembering.  When we left France for America we had sold most of our belongings, and packed just the very basic necessities.  We were in the wagon ready to drive to a small ship that would take us to Liverpool England.  Then at Liverpool we would transfer to a larger ship that would take us to Astoria, Oregon. 

Papa said, "Family look up."  There had been a rain storm that lasted most of the night and into the morning.  Finally as we were ready to go the sun came out.  High over our heads was a sparkling rainbow.  Papa said, "The rainbow is a sign that we are doing the right thing.  I know that this is a sacrifice for all of us to leave our home, a secure employment, friends, and family for the unknown wilds of Western America.  Still I believe that God will bless us.  He will prepare a way for us to create Benoit's Finest Wines.  Remember that rainbow means everything will work out."

I feel great bitterness fill my heart thinking about my family at the bottom of the ocean.  So much for Papa's fine wines.  The rainbow was beautiful that day.  I kept that rainbow in my heart, so bright, so promising.  Then when my entire family died I swore that I would run and hide if I ever saw a rainbow again.  I decided that it was a sign of evil, or that something really bad was about to happen.

I'm trying to change that perspective.  If I saw each rainbow here in Calkington as a portent of something bad there would be more awful than good.  It rains so much here.  There are rainbows at least several times a week. 

Maman always told us that even dying was not a bad thing.  She said that if we loved God and lived the best life that we could we would all be reunited and live happily with God after death.  I don't know about that.  I still am not convinced that God really cares at all about humanity.  There are so many of us...how could he possibly keep track of all of us?

In addition, if God DOES know us, why does he let awful things happen to good people, and wonderful things happen for wicked people?  Well that's enough thinking about such deep topics.  My head hurts.  I'm going to make myself some hot lemon juice and honey, drink it, eat a piece of bread and butter and go to sleep.