Ardis

Honestly, if this rain doesn't quit soon we'll need to build an ark like Noah in the Bible.  I used to think that rain drumming on the roof was calming, peaceful.  Now I do my best to shut out the image of the original location of Calkington being washed away, and people dying in the shanties on the other side of town. 

Last night I felt a though the drumming of the rain was drumming directly on my head.  If it rains this much in Oregon?  How does anyone farm, don't the crops just wash away?  How is there enough sun light to make anything grow?

I'm exhausted.  When I finally fall asleep I'm wakened by nightmares where I'm trying to outrun a flood that is gaining on me every second.  I have had this nightmare every night for the last week.

My mother was very good at interpreting dreams.  When she would explain what they meant it really helped me to understand how to use my dreams to make my life more productive.

I think that she would tell me that this nightmare means that I constantly feel that I'm on the edge of disaster.  I rush through my day filling it past capacity with activity.  I know that I'm trying to keep from thinking deeply.  This means that I'm always on the edge wondering when the next tragedy will happen.  In three years time I've lost my parents, my in-laws, my in-law siblings, my baby, and I'm pretty certain that Tom is dead as well.  It is a lot of loss.  Sometimes my heart feels too heavy with sorrow to beat properly. 

Oh dear, my tears have begun to fall.  I can't cry and write at the same time.  The ink will smear all over the page, and I don't want to waste paper or ink.  I must find a way to release some of this pent up anguish.