Ardis Journal

Blake, is strong, patient, caring, and funny.  I'm falling in love with him more each day.  This is not right.  I'm still a married woman as far as I know.  I get frustrated with myself because it's far too easy to compare Blake to Tom.  Tom comes up short.

I've known Tom for most if not all of my life.  He was my friend from the time we were small.  He was actually more like an older brother.  He had no siblings until he was almost an adult.  I never had any siblings.  That seemed to bond us.  Our parents were very close friends as well.  They traveled from Scotland to Tennessee together.

Tom only ever wanted to play three ways.  One was to climb trees.  I enjoyed that the most.  It seemed magical as though we were in fairyland.  (Tom didn't like to consider that there were fairies).  One was to pretend we were horses and gallop about.  The last was to play army and I disliked that game, so much! I never liked to even pretend to hurt any other person.

So I would get bored eventually and go create my own play.  I liked to make fairies out of sticks, leaves, and other things I could find in the forest.  I made about twenty fairies.  I named each one of them.  Then I built them fairy houses.  My favorite fairy was Lunley.  She was the Chief Fairy.  She bossed all of the male fairies around.  I guess I got kind of tired of Tom's bossiness and that was why I created the women leaders.

When it became apparent that both of my parents were dying, our roles changed.  Tom became even more protective. He didn't ask me, he told me that he was going to marry me.  Mama had told me about the birds and the bees.  It was still a strange shock to me after Tom and I were married.  I wanted to feel passion towards Tom but all that I ever felt was a dull fondness.. 

I feel passion for, with, and about Blake.  I crave the gentle touch of his hand on my cheek.  I know that we would have a very different relationship from the one that Tom and I shared.  I only wish that was possible.

Sigh...I must get some rest.  I have lots to do tomorrow.  I just want to lie here in this bed and imagine what life would be like married to Blake Calkin.  Maybe sometime?  No, I can't think this way.  Tom...I do care about him.  The last thing that I want is for him to suffer harm.

Shakespeare said how I feel ever so well, "To sleep, perchance to dream."  Maybe as I dream I can escape the guilty feelings that I have towards Blake.  I will never act on those feelings as long as I don't know if Tom is alive.  Yet dreaming about them, somehow that is innocent, right?