Celeste's Journal

Blake and I had planned an entire day together, just the two of us.  I was so excited, while I waited, I couldn't sit still.  I paced all around my small space.  Then I zigzagged.  Next I went back and forth.

When Blake arrived he apologized.  "I'm sorry to be late Celeste.  There were some problems with the logging on the hillside, south of the ranch.  Somebody got the idea that it would be much faster and easier to clear cut the trees.  I explained both to them, and to my foreman that if anybody repeated clear cutting the forests around our home they would be fired."

"It took much longer than I had planned.  The man was so stubborn that I gave him a brief lesson about the benefits of replenishing forest even as we cut some of them down.  I hope that he finally understood what I was trying to teach him."

Blake looked at Celeste.  "WOW...I'm so sorry dear Mademoiselle.  I can't believe that I have been going on and on about logging when a beautiful woman was standing in front of me!"

Blake lowered his head and I could feel the kiss coming.  Warmth spread throughout my entire body.  I went from feeling tense and anxious to peaceful and joyous in that one moment.  Blake's kisses are simply rapturous.

Taking my hand he pulled my shawl from its hook.  "Where are we going mon chere Blake?" I asked.  "Never mind Celeste.  It's a surprise."

He tucked my arm into his and together we walked out into the splendid, sparkling sunshine of a morning near the coast of Oregon.  It had rained in the night.  The drops of rain that were left radiated brilliantly like diamonds.

I have never owned a diamond but my Mama did.  It was tiny but when the sun hit it the facets in it caused it to create a rainbow of color.  Rainbow...that is my favorite color.  Some people would say that rainbow is NOT one color but ALL the colors.  I would answer that, "Exactly.  I LOVE all color."

We rode a very long way in the buggy.  We sang songs, joked, and spoke about everything and nothing at all.  When we arrived I was so excited.  I couldn't wait for Blake to help me down.  I just ran around in circles saying, "Oh Blake, have you seen this?  Oh Blake have you seen that?"

Blake just patiently got out the picnic basket, and a quilt.  He laid the quilt on the grass and began to unpack the lunch.  Finally I calmed down enough to help.

I asked, "What is this place called Blake?"  He answered, "This is Fern Falls.  It is on the south end of my ranch."  "Wait, you own this place?"  "Pretty much," Blake answered.

Red had out done himself with our lunch.  We had sandwiches of tender pork roast.  The bread was made by Red, the butter was made by Red.  We had carrots, new, freshly picked from the ground.  Pickles also made by Red were dilled, with a tart tanginess. 

The dessert was amazing.  Red had made angel food cake.  He packed fresh raspberries, and fresh cream.  I much prefer raspberry shortcake to strawberry shortcake.  I adore the texture, and sweet tartness of raspberries.  Strawberries seem almost too sweet to me.

After eating far too much of Red's culinary arts I groaned and laid back on the blanket.  "It was all so good that I'm sorry to be too full to eat any more!"  Blake laid down as well.  "I heartily agree.  I think we should take a short nap.  Oui?"  Blake looked at me questioningly.  "Oui," I said with a smile.

I drifted off to sleep with the droning of buzzing bees, crickets singing love songs, and the rushing water of Fern Falls crashing over a cliff.  No dreams troubled this deep, restorative rest.

Some time later I awakened.  The sun was bright in my face.  I turned to the right and realized that I was lying next to Blake.  He had his arm under my head pillowing it.  We were so close, too close.  I felt feelings that I had never felt before towards any man.  I was a prostitute but I have never been courted by a man.  I have never known about little things like holding hands, that first magical kiss, the normal feelings that men and women have when they are courting.

Blake's eyes suddenly opened.  "Nice nap," he said with a grin.  Slowly he eased away from me.  Standing slowly he held out his hand to me.  "Time for a walk?"

"Oui, oui."  I said quietly.  I think Blake was also feeling and thinking things that he was uncomfortable with.

We walked along slowly and silently for a long way.  Finally we came to a place on the trail where you could only walk single file.  To the right was a long, deep, drop off.  I think it was about 1,000 foot drop.  To the left was a granite wall of stone.  It rose straight up, up so high it looked as though it could scratch the sky.

Blake stopped.  He cleared away some brush and debris and uncovered a space in the cliff face.  He said, "You have to lean over to climb through here.  Mind your head."

I was astonished when we stood up after climbing through the doorway.  There was a rock circle here.  It was as though a room had been created with rock as the walls.  The sky was the roof. 

Blake held my hands tightly.  "Celeste, we must speak quietly here.  This is the resting place for "The People."  That's the name of Sarah's tribe.  She was supposed to be "The Leader," of her people.  She gave up that honor, and her people to marry me."

"Why did you bring me here, Blake?"  "You would have loved Sarah and Sarah would have loved you.  She was deeply wise my darling second wife.  Before she passed she told me that I would have great happiness in life."

"I think she got that idea wrong.  I don't know how she expected me to be happy without her."  Blake said sorrowfully.  "I still don't know why you brought ME here, Blake."  I was exasperated.  I didn't want to be proxy for a dead woman, ever, ever, again.

Blake shook his head as if clearing his thoughts.  He took my hand.  "Come with me Celeste."  Walking to one of the rock walls I saw the symbol of a fish on a rock.  Blake pushed on the rock, and a deep, low, grumbling began in the rock.  The wall slid back and revealed a staircase.  

Blake led me upwards with only the short statement, "Watch your step Celeste.  These steps are narrow and steep."

When we reached the top of the staircase Blake pressed another stone with the same fish design.  Again that low rumble and this time I saw that there were two doors to close, the one on the bottom of the staircase and the one on the top.

We were standing in a huge field.  I could not see the end of it.  Both sides were boundaried by rock face standing upwards of 200 feet high.  Blake took my hand and we walked together. 

Finally we came to space that was about 5 feet higher than the rest of the area.  Blake helped me climb up the incline leading to the top of this space.  It was a large space, probably 1/4 mile by 1/4 mile.  A wooden cross stood by a tree.  Next to the cross was a piece of wood with the words carved on, Sarah Calkin, Leader of the People, Beloved by All  

Blake stood very solemnly.  He dropped my hand and took off his hat.  Standing there he lowered his head and tears began to drop down his face.

I felt extremely uncomfortable.  It seemed as though I was intruding on something deeply personal, and sacred.  I wasn't certain if I should stay or walk away.  I just stood as quietly as I could.  Lowering my head I said, "God, if you are there, bless the Calkin family.  They have endured so much of loss.  Please bless them with gain."

Finally Blake wiped his tears, put his hat back on and looked over at me.  He looked like he was surprised that I was there.  I'm certain that as he was looking at Sarah's grave he forgot about me.

I felt hurt, humiliated, and inadequate.  Negative emotions flooded my heart.  Why would Blake bring me to his wife's grave?  Would he ever move past the sorrows he had endured and look forward to love, with me?

As we were walking in the field I thought, "Wait, Sarah and Blake were only married 3 or 4 years ago.  Why is the field where The People lived so empty?"

I asked Blake that question.  He said in a small, sad voice, "They just moved on."

We were both silent as we went down the staircase, through the circle of rock, and out the archway to the trail.  We were silent as we walked back to the buggy.  We were silent on the ride home.

Finally when we reached my home Blake helped me out of the wagon.  He lifted me high and then as he brought me down slowly he kissed me.  This kiss had little to do with gentleness.  This kiss was ferocious.  It felt as though Blake were starving and I was his feast.

Finally he put me down and drew back.  "Celeste, I'm so sorry.  I shouldn't have taken you to Sarah's grave.  I guess I just wanted you to see where she had lived.  Please be patient with me Cele.  I will think that I've healed from the loss of Sarah, and then the anguish, the separation is back, stabbingly fierce."

I wanted nothing more at that moment than to run in my space, and shut out everything...and everyone.  I wanted to throw myself down on my mattress and cry myself to sleep.  Instead I was adult about things.  I kissed Blake on the cheek and said, "Don't worry Blake.  Fern Falls is a lovely place.  Thank you for the picnic."

Turning I tried to make my escape.  Blake took my hand and stopped me.  "You are an amazing lady Celeste Benoit.  Please don't give up on me."

I pulled free from Blake's grip and ran into my shop.  I flung myself on my bed and cried, and cried until I was dry, there were no more tears to cry.  Sometimes that is worse.  Tears can help to heal the raggedy edged pain of sorrow.  Dryness can't take away the deepest of ache inside a sad soul.

I fell asleep, face puffy from tears.  I awakened two hours later, and started writing the whole miserable experience here in my journal.  I'm going back to sleep, I have a full schedule tomorrow.